


All I Wanted

by SVUlover



Category: Blue Bloods (TV), Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: F/F, Jillian Reagan, Lesbian Character, estranged reagan child, gay Emily prentiss, missing reagan child
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-04
Updated: 2019-09-16
Packaged: 2020-06-03 17:59:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 22,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19469191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SVUlover/pseuds/SVUlover
Summary: At the age of fifteen, Jillian Regan took every penny she had, left a note on her bed, and disappeared. Leaving behind a family that could not accept who she was, she adopted the name Jillian Hart, and forged ahead to make a life for herself. At 22, a chance meeting in a coffee shop brought together Jillian, who was fighting to get herself through grad school, and Emily, a federal agent. Now an esteemed professor with a doctoral degree, after years of ups and downs, Jill and Emily are happily married. When fate reunites Jillian with the family she was forced to run from, everyone might learn a thing or two.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is something that came to mind a few years ago, and has worked its way out of my head. I am several seasons behind on Criminal Minds, and a season behind on Blue Bloods, so not everything will be accurate. Emily is unit chief, Linda did not die, and Eddie and Jamie are together. 
> 
> The story will be told in the present, with flashbacks to show you the full history. Flashbacks are in italics and indicated as such!

**_Present Day_ **

_“And it seems as though the people of New York can finally start resting a little bit easier at night, as just hours ago, with the help of the FBI’s Behavioral Analysis Unit, the NYPD brought in Douglas Fields, allegedly the man responsible for the 14 murders that took place over the past two and a half weeks. In a press conference earlier today, Agent Emily Prentiss of the BAU and Commissioner Reagan confirmed that Fields was caught in the act, and Riley Hart, his most recent abduction victim, is recovering from minor injuries at a local hospital. Commissioner Reagan expressed his gratitude for the help of the FBI in apprehending Fields, and…”_

“It’s almost hard to believe we finally caught him, huh?”

Emily jumps a little, having been too caught up in the news cast to hear JJ approach. “Yea,” She agrees, using the remote to power the television off. “It’s been a long two weeks, that’s for sure. At least we saved Riley.” JJ nods in agreement, walking over to one of the bulletin boards, beginning to take photos down.

“You must be excited to get home to Will and the boys,” Emily remarks, joining JJ in taking down the photos and maps.

“Beyond excited,” JJ chuckles a little bit. “I wish we could go back tonight. Two weeks is a long time.”

Emily nods in agreement, and the two friends work together for a minute before they’re joined by members of their own team, as well as the NYPD detectives that they’d been working the case with. “Agent Prentiss, Agent Jareau,” Detective Baez says. “My partner here has something he’d like to say.” She looks over pointedly at Detective Reagan, who after a moment sighs.

“I’m sorry for all the quips about the feds—even if they _were_ funny—and we’re grateful for the help you gave us, catching Fields,” Danny Reagan says, albeit a little reluctantly.

“Well, Detective Reagan, it was a pleasure working with you and Detective Baez. And you’re right,” Emily remarks. “They _were_ pretty funny,” She grins.

The door to the conference room opens, Spencer coming in shortly before Rossi, both with smiles on their faces. “We seem to have found a stray wandering around outside, boss,” He remarks to Emily, who turns to him with her brow furrowed. Dave moves to the side with a grin, and in his wake, enters a petite woman with auburn hair, bringing a big smile to Emily’s face.

“Hey, you,” She exclaimed, hurrying forward to wrap her arms around the other woman. “What’re you doing here?”

Grinning, Jillian Hart wraps her arms around Emily’s waist, letting her head rest against her a moment as she answers. “I finished the first round of the guest lecture series today, and saw on the news alert that you’d caught the guy. So then I called my informant who said you were staying in the city another night, and that you’d be found right here,” she grins.

“Garcia?” Emily laughs, Jill shrugging.

“Of course. Hi, I missed you,” She says, leaning in to kiss her, Emily kissing her back.

“I missed you, too, I’m so glad you’re here,” Emily grins, happy. “Detectives, this is my wife, Dr. Jillian Hart. Jill, this is Detectives Baez and Reagan, of the NYPD. Couldn’t have caught the guy without them,” she says, her arm moving to wrap around Jill’s waist as she turns to greet them. Emily can feel her body tense up as she speaks, as Jill sees them, and she frowns. “Jill, what’s wrong?” She asks, looking at her. The look on her face startles her, it looks like she’s seen a ghost, and as Emily’s gaze shifts to the detectives, she sees Reagan with a similar look. “Jilly?” She repeats softly, hand gently rubbing the small of her back.

Jillian jumps a little, as though brought back to the present, shaking her head suddenly. “I-I have, have to go,” She mutters, mumbling something about seeing her outside before darting for the door faster than Emily can stop her. It’s not too fast for Danny Reagan though, he grabs her arm, turning to face her.

“Let me go.” Jillian mutters, refusing to look at him.

“What’s going on?” Emily asks.

“You, you’re alive,” Danny whispers in disbelief.

“Let me _go_ , Danny!” She says again, still not looking at him, trying to move to the door.

“Let you go?” He says incredulously, “For what, Jillian, so you can just disappear again, poof into thin air with just a damn letter left on your bed?!” Danny exclaims. “Running away at fifteen, we looked, we searched, we did everything until after a few years we had to admit you were probably dead, because what girl goes out on the streets of New York City alone and _survives_!?” 

“Me, clearly!” Jill snaps, trying to yank her arm from his grasp. “Here I am, all alive and well, why don’t you run back to home base and tell them all, and then you can go back to living your life, and let me go live mine!” Jillian yells, “Now for the love of God, Danny, let me _go_!” She says, and her voice breaks, and Emily steps forward. 

“Let her go,” She says, the tone of voice and impassioned look in her eye enough to make Danny actually do it. The only escape blocked by Danny, Jillian immediately backs up, turning away from him, and Emily catches sight of the tears rolling down her cheeks, the faraway look in her eyes. She can tell that Jill wants to leave, desperately wants out, but Reagan is blocking the path to the door. “Jill,” She says softly, following her to the corner of the conference room, “Baby, what’s going on?”

“I wanna go home, please, p-please, I just want to go,” Jill cries, begging. She’s shaking, caving against Emily as she wraps her arms around her.

“Ok, baby, ok, I will get you out of here, I will, but please just tell me, what’s wrong?” Emily prys, gently brushing Jill’s hair back, wiping the tears. “How do you two know each other?”

Jillian shuts her eyes tight, more tears slowly rolling down her cheeks. Opening them, she sniffs, shaking her head a little bit before whispering. “He’s my brother.”

A silence falls on the room except for Jill sniffing. Baez looks at Danny in shock, the detective crossing his arms over his chest. 

“Your brother,” Emily repeats slowly, shocked by this news. Her wife had told her that she had no family, that her parents had died. Slowly putting two and two together, Emily nods. “So you’re…”

“Commissioner Regan’s daughter,” Jill fills in softly, sniffing. “Yea. The official youngest of the Reagan children, born five minutes after my twin brother, Jamie.”

“Yea, Jamie who thinks you’re _dead_ ,” Danny says harshly.

“I left because I wished I _was_ , Danny!” Jill exclaims, finally facing him again, shaking her head. “Jillian Reagan _is_ dead, she died when I left that letter and walked out that door. You never change, always thinking you know it all, that you know best. I just, I can’t do this, I won’t,” she whispers. “I’ll be in the car,” Jill mutters to Emily, slipping past her, successfully getting past her brother.

Through the lobby of the precinct, out the door, she steps onto the street, taking in a giant breath of air, desperately trying not to break down. She’s using every ounce of strength she has inside of her to keep it all in, hold it together. “Let’s go,” Dave says, stepping out the door after her, putting an arm around her shoulders, providing another anchor. “Emily has to stay a bit longer, I’m going to bring you to our hotel,” He says, handing her a plastic card, the key to Emily’s hotel room.

Fighting back tears still, Jill nods, and lets the man she’s seen as a father figure for the past eight years lead her to the black SUV, help her inside. Dave doesn’t ask questions or say anything throughout the ride to the hotel. He’s quiet, but it’s a comforting silence. When they get there, he helps her out of the car, too, and they go to the elevator that’ll bring them from the garage to the correct floor. “It’s room 718,” Dave tells her as the elevator stops, opening up. “I’m in 725, if you need anything.”

“Thanks,” She murmurs, kissing his cheek. “I just...I need to process,” Jill mutters.

“I know, kid,” He says gently, wrapping an arm around her in a tight hug, before letting her go.

Her high heels echoed down the hallway as she walks, taking in the number on each door until she gets to 718, pushing the card into the slot and opening the door once the light turns green. 

It’s not home, but it’s something, and Jill breathes a sigh of relief as soon as the door closes behind her. It’s thoroughly Emily’s hotel room, the multiple pairs of shoes on the floor and clothes draped across almost all the furniture with the exception of the bed. Jill steps out of her heels, kicking them to the edge with her wife’s shoes, shrugging out of her blazer and yanking her blouse so it’s no longer tucked into her skirt, pulling it over her head. Her pencil skirt and panty hose follow, bra going after that, until she’s stripped down to just her panties. Emily’s bag is on the chair in the corner, and she easily finds pajama pants and an old Georgetown t-shirt that she pulls on. Tears stinging at her eyes the whole time, they finally start to fall as she yanks the duvet and sheets back from the bed, sliding between them and pulling the covers up over her. Letting out a shuddery breath, Jill sobs, so many years worth of memories that she’d worked so hard to force down bubbling to the surface. 

For nearly an hour she cries, trying so hard to reign it all in but failing. Finally, throat hoarse and with puffy red eyes, Jillian’s calmed down, and that’s when Emily arrives.

The door opens and she steps in, frowning when she sees her. “Jilly…” She says softly, putting her bag down and shrugging out of her blazer, kicking her shoes off, before crawling onto the bed. “C’mere,” She murmurs, gently prying the covers far enough away from her so she can slip in with her. Jill rolls over to face her, letting Emily wrap her arms around her, nuzzling her face against her neck. 

“I’m sorry,” Jill croaks, feeling Emily’s lips against her forehead. “I know I lied,” She whispers. “I kept it all pushed so far down in a box, and it…at first it was easier to just tell you I had no one,” She croaks. “No parents, no siblings, no family. And then when you stopped just being the woman I met in the coffee shop and became the love of my life, I just…I couldn’t tell you I’d lied. And it was easier to pretend to myself they were gone,” Jill sniffs.

“Why?” Emily whispers gently, brushing her hair back from her face before resting a hand against her cheek.

Jill’s silent for a bit before answering. “Jillian Marie Reagan,” She murmurs. “That’s the name my parents gave me. The youngest child, and second daughter of five kids. I had a twin brother, Jamie—Jameson,” Jill murmurs. “Joe was next oldest, then Erin, then Danny, he was the oldest. My father was a cop, my grandfather was the commissioner. My mother was a stay at home mom. At first, everything was fine. Picture perfect family,” Jill says. “And then I turned twelve, hit puberty, and realized that I wasn’t like the majority of the other girls.

“Erin and I shared a room, and she had boy bands on her side, and I…I didn’t get it. I looked at photos of the female stars and I admired them. I was sheltered and we were thoroughly Catholic. I didn’t have a name for it until I was at a friend’s house and Ellen Denegeres’ old show was on. Gay,” She murmurs. “It felt like a relief to look it up at the library and know I wasn’t the only one. There was a name, a way to define it. I was so excited and proud, and so one night after my father got home and everyone else was asleep or out, I went downstairs. Said I had to tell them something, said…I’m gay. I’m going to marry a woman one day, not a man,” Jill whispers, memories of that night right in the back of her mind.

“My mom just kind of looked at me. My father was quiet for a moment, before he shook his head. ‘Don’t say that, Jill,’ he said. ‘People will get the wrong idea. You’re just young and confused.’ Then he kissed my head, and told me to get to bed.”

Emily knows not to ask questions, interrupt. Jillian is lost in the past, letting her in, and so she just holds her and lets her take a moment before going on.

“Valentine’s day rolled around, and I sent a card to a girl I liked,” Jill murmurs finally. “She told her parents, and they called mine. My dad…he didn’t yell. He just said he was disappointed, and grounded me. And then it wasn’t mentioned again until that summer when he and my mom told me I was going to summer camp. My mom packed for me because I didn’t want to go, and they dropped me off, and drove away. It was upstate...a conversion camp,” Jill whispers, sniffing. Emily holds her tighter, lips pressing against her forehead. 

“Oh, baby,” Emily quietly says sadly, rubbing her back.

“It was awful, Em, it-it was so bad,” Jillian sobs, shaking her head. “I was only fourteen, a-and when I got home I was different. I didn’t talk, I-I didn’t eat much, and when they demanded I tell them what was wrong, I told them about the camp, and my father said I was lying,” She cries. “That I was lying, that he’d researched, and I’d be going back the following summer. So, I went back, and then I came home, and I-I was fifteen, almost sixteen, and, and it had _broken_ me,” Jill cries, shaking her head. “My mother and Joe…they believed me. Mom overheard me telling Joe. They helped me get away. I told her I was going to leave,” Jill murmurs, remembering that day so clearly in her head, the sadness in her mother’s eyes. “I’d saved every penny I’d ever gotten, and I’d planned to run, but I couldn’t just not tell my mom when she believed me, and she helped me go. She said my father was stuck on the bible, and he just needed time,” Jillian murmurs softly, able to see her mother’s face in her head without even closing her eyes. It was the last time she’d ever seen her alive. 

“So you left a note,” Emily murmurs the information Danny had shared earlier, and Jill nods against her chest.

“I wrote a letter to them. Said I had to leave, that I couldn’t stay there. That maybe one day things could be different. I went to Florida, worked wherever I could until I turned 18 and I could change my name, and then got my GED. An essay contest and high SAT scores got me a full ride to Florida State, and I worked my ass off in class, and working as a barista and tutoring, to save money. I graduated in two and a half years, and then got into Georgetown for my doctorate,” Jill murmurs. “And you know the rest.”

“In between classes and being a TA, you got a job at Starbucks,” Emily nods. “And one day, a tall woman with dark hair and really awesome shoes came in having a rough day, and you wrote a note on her cup to try and make her smile,” She smiles, gently rubbing a hand up and down Jill’s back. “And then, that dark haired woman with really awesome shoes went in that Starbucks every day to see the beautiful brunette barista with the gorgeous blue eyes for a whole week, before finally asking her out on a date. And it was the best thing that the woman with awesome shoes ever did,” she murmurs.

“And saying yes was the best thing the barista ever did,” Jill murmurs. 

“Maybe the second best,” Emily says softly, gently cupping her cheek, tilting Jill’s head to meet her eyes. “The first could have been getting out when you did, Jill. You saved yourself. You created a life for yourself, you thrived despite the hell that you endured,” Emily says to her.

“There were so many times when I wanted to go back, or just call them. But I couldn’t, I never did, a-and then today I thought, what are the chances, you know?” She laughs tearfully. “It’s a huge city with how many cops in it? You guys couldn’t possibly be working with any of them. I wanted to see you, the team, and it was my only chance to. My only chance to sleep in your arms for another month, and then he was there, and it’s like…it all came back,” Jill cries softly. “Everything I felt back then.”

“You were pushing it all down,” Emily murmurs, stroking her hair. “It had to come bubbling back up eventually.”

“It has already. When I heard my mom died,” Jill sniffs. “You were gone. In Paris or whatever, after Doyle,” Jill mutters, hating talking about that time, thinking Emily was dead. “And then when Joe died. It’s when you were in London. After hearing that, I realized that I couldn’t lose you. That no matter how I felt about what had happened, regardless of moving internationally…I had to be with you. That I loved you beyond words, and I had risked it all to be _able_ to love you. I remembered that they’d want me to be with you, and so a few days later, I got on a plane, and showed up at your door.”

“I wish you would have told me that you were dealing with those losses,” Emily murmurs. “Knowing you were in pain and I didn’t know it…" 

“I know you’re a profiler, Em, but I’m a psychologist that’s trained herself very well. I was good at hiding it,” She says softly.

“You don’t have to hide anything from me, Jillian. Nothing. I’m here, I want to know everything.” 

“That’s pretty much it. No more big secrets,” She murmurs, reaching up to wipe her eyes, before turning her head against Emily, hiding in the crook of her neck, inhaling deeply.

“Good. Me either,” Emily says back gently, rubbing soft circles on her back. 

Jill takes a deep breath, turning her head to the side to look up at Emily. “It was torture, being in the same city and not being able to sleep next to you, or see you.” 

“I know,” Emily sighs, resting a hand against Jill’s cheek softly. “For me, too. But you know I haven’t gotten much sleep anyways, and I didn’t want you in danger.”

“I know,” Jill sighs, reaching up for a kiss. Emily kisses her back, her other hand resting on the other side of Jill’s face, deepening the kiss. Jill sighs against her lips, arms wrapping around Emily’s waist, tugging gently. The dark haired woman obliges, swinging one leg across Jill to straddle her. “Can we?” Jill breathes, breaking the kiss to press her lips to Emily’s neck. 

“If you’re up for it,” Her wife replies, slightly hesitant to distract her from this, but not willing to deny her if it’s the comfort that she wants. In answer, Jill begins to mess with the buttons on Emily’s shirt. Chuckling, Emily swiftly opens them herself, allowing Jill to push the fabric down her arms. Emily pulls them out, tosses the piece of clothing to the floor, and Jill wastes no time in pulling the camisole over her head. “Slow down,” Emily grins, catching her hands threading her fingers through Jill’s as she tries to reach for her bra clasp. 

“I want you,” Jill whines in reply as Emily presses her hands to the mattress, and leans in to kiss her. Emily’s lips move slowly, tongue trailing along Jill’s lip. 

“Mmm,” Emily murmurs, voice low as she breaks the kiss. “You’ll have me... _after_ I’ve had you,” she retorts with a smirk, capturing her lips again in a hot, hungry kiss. After a moment, she begins trailing her kisses to Jill’s neck. Her tongue leaves a trail to her collarbone, and she drags her teeth against the spot before sucking, causing the woman beneath her to moan.

“I love you so much,” Emily murmurs, letting go of Jill’s hands to move to the hem of her shirt, lifting it over her head. 

“I love you, too,” Jill says wrapping her arms back around Emily’s neck as soon as her shirt is off. “I _need_ you, Em,” she whispers, knowing that the gentle lovemaking that Emily typically favored after being away from each other just wouldn’t suffice. “Hard, and fast,” she begs. 

Emily looks in her eyes, nodding as she reaches underneath her to unlatch her bra, glad that she’s asking for what she needs. Tugging the cups down, her hardened nipples brush the fabric and Jill moans. Her wife’s hands palm her breasts, squeezing. Emily lowers her head, and her tongue circles a nipple, before quickly taking it in her hot mouth.

She makes quick work of sucking roughly and then moving to the other, tongue swiping around the swell of her breast, before kissing down her body, tongue trailing against Jill’s skin. She leaves hot, open mouthed kisses against her stomach, shedding her of her pants and panties as she goes, tossing them to the floor. Emily draws patterns on Jill’s thighs with her fingers, tongue following suit, pressing kisses to her legs and inner thighs as she spreads them apart. Jill’s folds are slick with her arousal, and Emily inhales the scent of her. Still pressing kisses against her thighs, everywhere besides where Jill wants her to, she lightly drags her finger through the slickness. “Please, baby, please,” Jill whines, and then lets out a long, relieved moan as Emily licks up her slit, and then through her folds, the brunette taking in the taste of her wife like she’d been craving it. 

Jill’s moans and little whimpers push her on, she feels her fingers resting in her hair, and reaching around her leg Emily finds Jill’s other hand grasping at the blankets. Emily takes it, lacing their fingers together as she presses her tongue inside of Jill as far as she can, and then licks up to her clit, running the tip of her tongue around the swollen nub before sucking it into her mouth. Jill thrusts her hips forward, letting out Emily’s name in a moan. Pushing two fingers inside of Jill, Emily continues sucking her clit. “Fuck, Em, more, more, more please please please,” Jill whimpers. 

Moving hard and fast as Jill wanted, Emily slides three fingers in, angling them just right to stroke her g-spot as she thrusts, her tongue moving against her clit. The orgasm comes on strong, with little build up, Emily can feel her lovers body tense, writhe beneath her, and she lets up, removing her fingers to lick, kiss and suck, helping to draw it out as Jill lets out a cry, body tensing as she releases. Emily feels it, as Jill’s orgasm begins to edge away, and she once again sucks her clit into her mouth, fingers pushing inside of her, easily coaxing Jill to cum a second time. Crawling up, she strokes her fingers through Jill’s folds still, pressing kisses to her stomach, her breasts and finally her lips as she settles beside her. Jill moans still, nuzzling her face against her chest. “I missed this,” she breathes, and lazily circles one of Emily’s nipples with a finger.

“Me, too,” Emily replies, reaching to tilt Jill’s head towards her, reading from the situation, from the neediness and urgency that Jill wanted to be told what to do, needed her to take control. She presses her fingers into Jill’s mouth, the ones that had just been inside of her, and Jill licks them clean until Emily pulls them away and claims her lips with her own instead. The kiss is slow and thorough, Jill can taste herself on Emily’s lips. The brunette eventually pulls away, and instead guides Jill’s mouth to her breasts, moaning softly as her lips wrapped around a hard, soft brown nipple. “Good girl,” she breathes out, moving Jill’s hand to her other breast. 

“On your back,” Emily commands after a few minutes, suddenly aware of just how wet she is. Jill complies, and nods when Emily questions with her eyes if this is ok, before the brunette moves so her legs are on either side of Jill’s head. Jill’s hands grab her ass, moaning softly as the scent of Emily’s arousal takes over. Pulling her closer, Jill presses her tongue flat against her wife’s pussy, and Emily lets out a moan at the contact. Licking up her slit, Jill presses her tongue inside of Emily, pushes in and out before her tongue finds her clit. “ _Fuck_ , good girl, baby,” Emily gasps, the praise pushing Jill further. Emily grinds against her, riding her face with increased urgency as Jill successfully pushes her further and further, the older woman moaning. “Yes, princess, so good...” she shudders, one hand gripping the headboard for stability. Her climax builds slowly, but Jill knows how to get her there with ease, and she finally lets out a cry. “Oh fuck,” Emily gasps. 

Jill keeps licking, taking in the taste of her wife, until Emily shifts, sitting beside her, still catching her breath. She scoots down to lay beside Jillian, and Jill curls up to her as she typically does. Emily wraps an arm around her as she pulls the covers up over them, and Jill nuzzles into her neck, pressing kisses against Emily’s collarbone, legs intertwining with hers. 

Emily places a hand on Jills cheek steadying her so she can claim her lips in a kiss. “You’re so beautiful...” Emily says softly, thumbs gently stroking her cheeks. 

“Not as much as you,” Jill replies softly, kissing her back. “I missed you so much,” she says, again buying her face against the crook of Emily’s neck. 

“I missed you, too, baby,” Emily says softly, hands moving to rub her back. They lay like that for a while, and then Emily shifts. “I’m going to go run a bath,” The brunette says. “You stay here, I’ll come get you.”

Jill nods, grateful she has Emily to rely on to care for her. She watches her go to the bathroom in the room, turns onto her back and stares up at the ceiling. She’d thought it would be easy to be in the city for a few weeks and not see them. A short list of people in a city of millions...it was supposed to be simple. 

“Come on, babe,” Emily’s voice pulls her from her thoughts, hands reaching out for hers. Lifting them to meet hers, Jill lets Emily help pull her up, momentarily slipping into her arms once she’s standing. “Let’s go get in the tub, you’re getting goosebumps,” Emily says finally, leading the way with her arm around Jill’s shoulder. 

Once they’re in the hot bath, the aroma of the bubble bath surrounding them and Jill settled in front of Emily on her lap, back against her front, Jill softly says, “He’ll tell them. Danny. He’ll tell Jamie and Erin...my father,” She croaks. “I know he will.” 

“Let him. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, Jill. I’ll keep you safe, I promise,” Emily says, shifting her a bit on her lap, taking advantage of the large tub and looking at her. 

“They wouldn’t hurt me, Emily,” Jill sighed, shaking her head, trying to fight back a new wave of tears. 

“I don’t mean just physically safe, Jillian. I mean I will protect you from feeling like you did back then, I will protect you from everything. Mentally, physically, all of it. I won’t let them get to you if you do not want to see them, understand?” She nods against Emily, letting out a sigh, settling into the water and allowing herself to relax against her wife, as Emily’s hands begin rubbing her back. “Tell me about Columbia,” Emily prompts. “How was your first class?” Swallowing thickly, Jill gives into her wife’s attempts at distraction, and starts talking about her day, trying to push the nightmare of her past to the back of her head.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comment! Some timing may not match for either show, but that's the creative liberty I'm taking. Enjoy!

_**Fifteen Years Before...  
2004** _

Her head bumps against the window of the bus, but she doesn’t shift, staring out at the passing scenery. Her knees are pulled up to her chest, hair pulled into a ponytail. The summer was nearly over, and now she was fifteen. Her birthday had passed, separated from her family, from her brother. Stuck at that godforsaken place. 

She feels like the air is crushing her, it’s hard to breathe, to be anything anymore. 

What she is, they say it’s wrong. They say it’s sin, that she’s going to hell, it’s against the bible...they, the camp operators and her father say that the torture she was subjected to all summer was suposed therapy that would correct her thoughts. But she struggles to understand how it’s supposed to change who she is...and why who she is, is so wrong, when God made her this way. 

The scenery gradually changes from trees to buildings as the bus reenters the city limits. It stops at several places, and before she knows it, it’s screeching to a stop outside of her church. Standing up, Jill wipes a few tears that she’d been unable to hold in from her cheeks, as she proceeds down the aisle, down the stairs, and onto the sidewalk. She locates her bag and then glances around, her mother is grinning and waving. Mary’s smile falters when she sees the look on her daughter’s face, grows more concerned as Jill reaches her. 

“Hi, sweetie,” She smiles, wrapping her in a hug, and Jill stiffens at the touch, wanting desperately to break down in her mother’s arms and tell her everything, but knowing she can’t. She’d tried to tell them at the end of last summer, when her father had demanded to know why she was so miserable after spending the summer at such a great camp. They hadn’t believed her. 

“Jill?” Mary says, leaning back to look at her, but Jill keeps her eyes averted. 

“Hi.” She murmurs. “Can we go home?” 

“Of course,” Mary says after a moment. “Danny and Linda and Erin and Jack are all going to be there, with the kids,” She says with a smile. “We’re so glad you’re back for Sunday dinner, sweetie, it hasn’t been the same without you. 

Nausea rolls at the thought of food, at the thought of sitting at the table and lying to everyone about what fun camp had been, at the thought of being near her father. She hated herself for it, but she hated him. Her dad had used to be her best friend, she was his princess, his youngest daughter and one of only two kids still living at home. She resented herself for hating him.

She stays mostly silent on the ride home, answering her mother’s questions with hums and one word until she stops asking them. As soon as the car is in park, she gets out and grabs her bags, makes her way into the house. Her father’s not home yet, and she’s able to dodge her grandfather and grandmother by hurrying past the kitchen, up the stairs. In her room she dumps her bags, and then in the bathroom she strips down, turns the shower on as hot as she can manage, and steps under it. It stings her skin, but still isn’t hot enough to get rid of the dirty feeling she was left with, it’s not hot enough to open her lungs enough to breathe well. She still feels disgusting, like she can’t breathe, like the world is closing in. 

That night, after forcing a smile and putting on a show for everyone, she lays in bed, silent tears rolling down her face. Her father had hugged her, welcomed her home, kissed her head and told her he’d missed her. He’d hugged her goodnight, said he loved her, and she wanted to scream, ‘ _Liar. If you loved me you wouldn’t do this to me. If you loved me, you’d listen.’_

She can’t even relax into her bed, seek comfort, because it doesn’t feel safe. She can’t be herself here, it’s not allowed. She feels antsy and restless, despite the exhaustion she feels, having not slept well all summer long. Jill tosses and turns, watches the numbers on her clock pass midnight, and then 1:00 AM, and finally she slips from the bed. 

She holds the arm of the bear she’d slept with since she was a toddler, a bear dressed in an NYPD uniform that her father had given her as she steps out of her room, down the stairs. In the kitchen, she reaches for a glass from the cabinet, puts it on the counter and then gets the carton of milk from the fridge. 

“What’re you doing up, kid?” 

Jill jumps, letting out a cry, the milk slipping from her hand, but Joe hurries forward and catches it, putting it on the counter. “Hey, hey, it’s just me, Jilly, I’m sorry,” He says, rubbing her back. “I stopped to nick some leftovers after my shift ended, I was starving again, I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

Jill stares at her oldest brother, slowly lifting her arm up to hug the bear to her, not saying anything. “Jill,” Joe says gently. “What’s going on? Did something happen at camp? You don’t seem right.” 

For a moment, she just stares back at him, but the way he looks back at her, her bottom lip begins to quiver, and suddenly, it’s like a dam has broken, and she’s telling him everything. 

**_Present Day_ **

They’re just getting out of the tub when the incessant knocking on the door begins. After Emily had successfully distracted her in the tub with small talk and back rubs, it startles her to the present, brings her back to the reality that was now her life. Jaw tight, with a few guesses as to who it is, Jill finds herself stepping up to the door, looking through the peephole. It feels like she’s pulled back in time, like she’s fifteen again standing in the doorway of her brother’s room, watching him sleep and trying to mentally tell him goodbye, that she’s sorry, that she didn’t want to leave him but had to. Jill feels a pang in her chest at the sight of her twin brother, even the distorted image. _Jamie_. She steps back from the door, throat tight, eyes stinging again. 

“I’ll get rid of them,” Emily says, handing Jill clothes, already wearing jeans and a shirt. “Just go get dressed.”

Nodding, Jill takes the clothes, goes into the bathroom and once she hears the click of the door shutting behind her, Emily opens up the door to the hotel room, takes in the young man and woman in front of her. Based on Jill’s story and what she’d heard from Danny after working with him for two weeks, this is Jamie and Eddie. She can see Jill’s features in Jamie Regan’s face: the shape and color of the eyes, the shape of the lips. 

“Agent Prentiss?” He questions, and Emily nods. “I’m Jamie Reagan. I need to see my sister, _please_.” He demands as politely as possible with no false niceties or pretenses. He gets to the point of what he wants, seems a lot more soft spoken than Danny, gentler, and the longing in his eyes, the hope, makes her feel bad for him, makes her want to help. But her job, her main priority is still to protect Jill. 

“I’m sorry, Officer Reagan, but no,” Emily says softly but firmly, blocking the door. Inside the bathroom, having methodically pulled on the clothes Emily had handed her, Jill is leaning against the door with tears running down her face, listening. His voice is like a time machine. 

“Please, Agent Prentiss,” Jamie begs. “I’ve spent fifteen years thinking she was dead, and then my brother shows up and told me she was alive. She's my twin sister, I-I need to see her.” 

The words hit her, stab like knives. He sounds like he still doesn’t believe it, like he’s tired, broken, and has been since he was fifteen. And she gets it, because hadn’t that almost broke her, when it was Emily she thought dead? Actually, in reality, it hadn’t _almost_ broke her, it _had_ broken her. Taking a deep breath, Jill opens the door as Emily begins to tell him no again. “Emily, it’s ok,” she whispers, stepping out. Emily looks at her and nods, slowly steps back to take her hand and opening the door wider, revealing her to the two officers. Jamie’s face turns to shock, staring at her as though he’s seeing a ghost, and the similarity to the expression Danny had makes Jill want to laugh. “Hi.” She says softly, letting her eyes meet his. 

“Jilly...It’s really you...” Jamie breathes out, reaching out slowly as though he’s afraid she’ll disappear if he moves to fast. Jill lifts her hand to meet his, the tears stinging at her eyes. 

“Yes.” She murmurs, choking it out past sobs that attempt to break free. 

He looks at her and Jill can’t read it, can’t decide if he’s going to yell or not, and she remembers when she’d been able to read his mind without a word between them, when all of a sudden he’s pulling her against himself, wrapping her in a hug. “You’re alive,” Jamie whispers against her hair. “You’re alive, you’re here...we thought you were dead, we...we thought you were dead, Jill, I thought you were dead!” Jamie gasps, and Jill can hear a crack in his voice, the desperate pain. Guilt surges through her and she holds on tightly to her brother, tears flooding her eyes. 

“I know...I’m sorry, Jamie, I’m sorry,” Jill whispers, “I’m so sorry, Jamie, but I had to go,” She cries, pleading him to understand. 

He says nothing for a moment, just holding on tight, and Jill lets him until he pulls away. “You had to go? You had to go with nothing but a note with not much to go on, and then run away?” He counters. 

“Jamie, I-”

“No!” He cuts her off. “That’s bullshit, Jill, that’s crap! You don’t do that to your family, you don’t walk out on family, you don’t leave us in the dark for fifteen years wondering what the hell happened to you!” Jamie thunders. 

“Jamie!” The blonde says at the same time that Emily cuts in with, “Enough!” 

Jillian wraps her arms around herself, swallowing thickly. She looks down at the floor, then back up at him. “There’s so much you don’t know or understand about this, Jamie,” She says softly. “But you should still know me well enough to know that I wouldn’t have left if I didn’t have to. I did not have a choice. I did what I had to do to survive.”

“Jamie, come on. I told you not to some here until you calmed down, let’s go,” The woman that came with him said. 

“I can’t, she might disappear again.” Jamie quips, looking at Jill as though he doesn’t know her, because he doesn’t. 

Jaw tightening, Jill counters, “You always did let your feelings do the talking. Guess you have more of a temper nowadays. Taking after Danny, are we?” 

Emily gives her a look, as though telling her not to goad him, and steps closer, resting her hand on the small of Jill’s back. Jill shuts her eyes, raising her hands up to cover her face, sighing. “Look, she’s right, whoever she is,” Jill sighs. 

“I’m Eddie, his fiancee,” the woman offers, holding her hand out. 

Jill shakes it, and Jamie cuts in, “Which you’d know, _should_ know, if you hadn’t disappeared for fifteen years,” Causing Eddie to give him another look. 

Looking at him, stepping back from Eddie, Jill stares for a moment. “Go, Jamie. Go home. I’ll be gone tomorrow, and you guys can go back to living your lives, forget you ever saw me. I guess some things just can’t be forgiven,” She says softly, thinking of her father as she says it. 

“Gone tomorrow? Where?” He questions. 

“Home, Jamie. I’ll be going home, with my wife.” Jill says, gesturing to Emily, and the look on Jamie’s face tells her that Danny didn’t get to tell him everything before he stormed over here. 

“Your wife.” He echoes. 

“Yes, my wife. To our home in DC. That’s my home now, that’s where I have a life, a job, a family,” Jill tells him. 

“A family?” Jamie repeats with a flash of pain. “You have kids?” He questions softly. 

“No,” Jill murmurs, ignoring the ache that rolls through her, the way Emily squeezes her hand, not wanting him to see how much that question hurts. “Not yet, but hopefully soon,” She adds. “I mean the family I found, in the BAU. The family I created because I couldn’t survive in the one I had.” Jill tells him. 

He shakes his head, slowly. “You’re a different person. You’re not the sister I knew.”

“Because the sister you knew was fifteen and breaking, Jamie! You can’t expect me to be the same person I was at fifteen years old, that’s crazy!” Jill exclaims. “There was a lot going on that you didn’t know about, and I’m not going to stand here and defend myself. I don’t have the energy to defend who I am anymore, so go talk to the Commissioner,” She says bitterly. 

“Fine.” Jamie says after a moment. “Fine.” He turns, stalking off, and Eddie throws her an apologetic look before taking after him. Shutting the door behind them, Emily turns to Jill as she seeks solace in her arms, wrapping her tight as the shorter woman rests her head in the crook of her neck. 

“It makes me feel like I’m fifteen again,” She whispers. “Stuck in that house, forced to pretend to be someone I’m not.”

“I know, but you’re not,” Emily says softly, rugging her back, gently guiding her over to the armchair in the corner of the room, sitting down and pulling Jill onto her lap. She curls up, letting out a breath and Emily can feel her shuddering, trying not to cry. “You’re safe, you’re strong, Jill, you survived. You’re not fifteen, you’re not hiding, baby.”

Jill says nothing, just holds on tighter, curls in closer, as though trying to make herself smaller. Emily holds her and doesn’t push, doesn’t move until her phone rings twenty minutes later. Frowning, she digs it out of her back pocket without getting up, swiping to answer the call and putting it to her ear. 

“Hey, JJ,” She says. Jill can hear the other end of the phone call through the phone, hear’s JJ’s greeting. 

“Hey, Em, we’re going to head out for dinner. Are you and Jill coming?” 

Emily hesitates, but Jill sits up, nodding, wiping at her eyes. With a raise of her eyebrows, Emily asks if she’s sure, and again, Jill nods. “Yea, we’re in. Meet in the lobby in fifteen?” JJ confirms, and Emily hangs up the phone, Jill foreseeing the question before she can ask it. 

“I want to be with the team. You guys are going to go back to DC tomorrow and I want to go with you, but I can’t just cancel the next guest lecture session. I wish I could, but it would look bad,” Jill mutters, sighing.

“Are you sure you want to stay here, though? Just tell Columbia something came up.” Emily suggests. 

Jill shrugs. “Maybe. I’ll figure it out...let’s just go out with the family right now,” she says. Emily nods, leaning in and giving her a kiss. 

“Ok,” She agrees, and Jill stands up. She straightens out the shirt and leggings of Emily’s that she’d put on, and goes into the bathroom to borrow her hair brush. Dragging it through her damp hair, she reaches behind her and plaits it easily into a French braid. She has none of her makeup, and while she could use her wife’s eyeliner and mascara, she just chooses to forego it all together. 

“Here,” Emily says, pointing to flip flops as she walks out of the bathroom, and Jill smiles, leaning in to kiss her cheek.

“Thanks. Good thing we’re the same shoe size.” 

“Mmm, good thing,” Emily agrees. Jill grabs her purse and phone, and together they exit the hotel room, make their way to the elevator. 

“I could take some time,” Emily says, once the door has shut behind them and they’re descending to the lobby. “Stay here with you for a week, even two.”

“What about the team?” Jill counters. 

“They’ll get along fine without me. You need me more.” 

Jill frowns, wanting to tell her no, not to do it, but selfishly, the thought makes her happy. “Maybe,” She finally says, looking up at her wife. “Let’s figure it out after dinner.”

“Deal,” Emily smiles, kissing the side of her forehead, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as the elevator stops at the ground floor, and the doors cascade open. Jill leans in, putting her arm around Emily’s waist, and they step off of the elevator together. The team is gathered nearby, and Jill smiles when she sees them, letting go of Emily to go greet them all. Penelope is there at the head, clapping and wrapping Jill in a hug the moment she gets to her. 

“Gosh have I missed you, I’m so glad you’re here,” The blonde exclaims, holding on tight. 

“I am, too, Pen,” Jill smiles, hugging her back. “It’s been far too long since we’ve had a family dinner, though it’s a shame we’re missing Sav and Hank, Jack, and Will and the boys. Once my residency at Columbia ends and you guys catch a break, we’ll have to have a real, big family dinner, cause I miss my nephews,” She says, greeting Derek, JJ, and Spencer. 

“That sounds like a great idea, kid, you’ve got it,” Dave says when she gets to him. “You ok?” He murmurs in her ear as he hugs her. She shrugs a little bit as she pulls away, giving him a small smile. 

“So, Chinese or Mexican?” Derek asks, and before anyone can say anything, a voice calls from across the lobby. 

“Jillian.”

She’s fourteen, arguing with her father about the camp, being told she’s lying, being told she needs help. She freezes at the sound of her father’s voice, shaking her head suddenly. “No, no, no,” She whispers, and Emily is in front of her hands on her cheeks to ground her.

“It’s ok, baby, it’s ok.”

“I can’t, not here, not now,” Jill croaks, pleading.

“You go. Get in the car, I’ll be right there,” Emily promises. “Derek? Jayje?” She says, looking at them, Spencer, David, and Tara. 

“C’mon princess,” Derek says easily, flinging an arm around her shoulders and pulling her close. “Let’s go.” 

Emily lets the others go ahead, Dave hanging back with her. Once she’s seen Jill get into one of the SUVs outside, she turns. Fifty feet away stands Commissioner Reagan and one of his men, a few of his security people. Crossing the lobby to close the distance, Emily stands before him. 

“Commissioner Reagan.”

“Agent Prentiss. That’s my daughter, and I need to speak with her.” 

“All due respect, Commissioner, though based on what my wife told me I have less of that for you now, no. Not here, not now, maybe not ever. Jill’s been through hell and back, she’s fought to build a life for herself. She’s happy, she’s successful, she’s healthy, and none of that is thanks to you, in fact, it’s in spite of you. Give her space.” Emily demands. “You speak to her on her terms, or not at all. If you have any issues with that, you can speak to our lawyer. Have a good night,” She nods, turning and walking out the door to the car, Dave giving the man a look of contempt before following after her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please drop a comment to let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**_Present Day_ **

Inside of the SUV, Jill is sitting huddled by the window in the backseat, staring out at the city. It had been strange coming here, but the opportunity to teach summer classes at Columbia had been enticing. Her first night in the city, she’d stared out the window of her hotel room and cried. For the first half of her life, this city had been home, and then it had turned into a place she avoided. With the exception of the surprise weekend that Emily had whisked her away to stay in Times Square, see a show on Broadway, eat their way around the city, and have alone time, she hadn’t been back, and that weekend had been too busy to really think about it all. 

It had been home, and in many ways, deep down, it still was. It was still her city, she still knew it like the back of her hand. But it felt wrong, different. DC was her home now. 

Emily slides into the seat beside her, wrapping her arms around her, one behind her back, and the other around her front, enveloping her. She holds her tight, kissing the top of her head, and lets her chin rest against the top of Jill’s head as she nuzzles against her neck.

“Mexican,” Jill murmurs against Emily’s neck, and the raven haired woman’s brow furrows. “Huh?”

“Derek said Chinese or Mexican,” Jill reminds her. “Mexican.”

“You got it, princess,” Derek says from the front, slipping his sunglasses down over his eyes. He puts the car into drive, and Jill moves to buckle her seatbelt, looking out the window once again. Several yards away, on the walk outside of the hotel stands her father. He’s staring at the car, knowing she’s in there, and her eyes catch his, though he can’t see inside of the dark tinted windows.

A lump forms in her throat, memories flooding her mind. It was always hard for her to reconcile in her head, the good memories that far outnumbered the bad, the love that she still had for her father despite the anger and hatred. How _does_ one reconcile them, when the bad had lead to this? 

**_Seventeen Years Before...  
_ ** **_2002_ **

“I’m thirteen, how am I supposed to know what I want to be when I grow up? I still have so much time to decide! And look at Erin, she’s been in school for about a hundred years,” Jill sighs dramatically, absently moving her spoon around the pie on her plate, but not taking a bite. 

“Gee, thanks sis,” Erin remarks dryly from across the table, rocking two month old Sean in her arms. 

“She does have a point,” Jamie states with a shrug. “But, to be a lawyer it’s worth it.” 

“The academy does take a lot less time and cost a lot less money though,” Joe says, returning from the kitchen with a fresh glass of wine, ruffling Erin’s hair just to annoy her, shooting Jill a wink. 

“And it’s just making her more annoying,” Danny remarks, trying to get two year old Jack to eat some of his vegetables. “All that lawyer garbage. You should know what you want to do already, kid, go into the family business.” 

Jill makes a face, looking hesitantly to her father and grandfather, shrugging a little. “I don’t think I want to be a cop. I mean, I want to help people, and maybe do something with the law, but not a cop. There’s other ways to do that, too. Isn’t there?”

“There certainly is,” Mary agrees emphatically, a pointed look shot to her husband. 

“There is,” He agrees, looking at Jill. “Social workers, psychiatrists, nurses, doctors...you could be a crime scene investigator even, or anything you want, Jilly,” Frank says firmly. “Whatever you do, you just need to work hard at it, and love it. That’s all we want for you,” Frank smiles, leaning over to kiss her head. “Ain’t that right, pop?” 

“Of course...but whatever you do, never go into the fire department!” Henry says with a slap of his hand to the table. “No Reagan will ever be a member of the FDNY!” 

“Pop! I just got him to sleep!” Erin sighs as Sean begins to cry, and Linda glares, reaching out to take her son. Jill shares a look with her father, he winks at her, and she takes a big bite of her pie to stop herself from laughing. 

**_Fourteen years before...  
_ ** **_2005_ **

She’d been home for a week now, but it didn’t feel like home anymore. It didn’t feel safe, knowing how they felt, knowing that they’d sent her to that place, that torture disguised as a summer camp. There was only a week left until the summer was over and school started again, and she should be hanging out with her friends, but she doesn’t feel like she can. 

She feels separate from everyone and everything she’d used to know, as though she doesn’t belong. She’s wrong, she was made wrong, something wasn’t right. How could she go back to her friends, go about life as normal?

“Jillian, lets go,” Her father demands, pushing her bedroom door open angrily. “Your mother has called you for dinner three times. Get downstairs.” 

“I’m not hungry.” She says in a monotone, rolling to face the other way on her bed. She hears the soft footsteps of her mother cross the room, and jumps as suddenly her hand is pressing against her forehead. 

“What’s wrong, honey? Are you sick? You don’t feel warm,” Mary says, sitting on the edge of her bed. 

“She’s not sick, Mary, she’s moping. What I don’t understand is why you’ve been sulking around since you got home,” Frank demands. “We just spent a fortune sending you to a fancy summer camp, and this is how you thank us?” 

Jill turns over slowly, sits up and looks at him. “A fancy summer camp?” She whispers, shaking her head. “Is that what you think, or is that what you’re telling yourself, everyone, to make it ok?” 

“What do you mean, Jill?” Mary asks, confused. 

“It wasn’t summer camp,” Jill gasps, a dam inside of her breaking, holding onto the thought that maybe they didn’t know, they didn’t want that to happen to her. “There was no pool or boating, no making friendship bracelets and team building!” Jill cries. “We spent hours working in the hot sun with no water, or food, no bathroom, and then when we finished, they brought us in these rooms,” She sobs. “They made us watch...” She struggles with the word, embarrassed and angry. “They made us watch videos of people having sex, to show us what homosexuality was and try to correct our minds!” Jill sobs. “And if we shut our eyes, they hit us, and then they would read the bible to us, a-all night, and then make us go back to work.” 

She’s gasping for breath, trying to calm down, hoping that her father will do something, will promise to shut the awful place down, will apologize. Her mother looks horrified, and she looks back to Frank. She can’t read her father’s face at first, but then it hardens and her heart drops. 

“Jillian Marie Reagan, we raised you not to lie,” He said, his voice low. It’s his disappointed and trying to hide anger voice, and she wants to scream, wants to cry, wants to beg him to believe her. 

“Daddy, I’m not,” She sobs, shaking her head. “I’m not, I’m not, please, please believe me, please, daddy, please,” Jill pleads, desperate, gasping. 

“The church recommended that camp, and I looked into it, they wouldn’t recommend it if it’s so horrible like you’re describing, Jillian!” He snaps. “I don’t want to hear this crap again, you’ll be going back next summer, so get it together. Clean yourself up and do some reflection about why you’re trying to lie about it. Tomorrow morning, you will be down for breakfast on time, and will do your chores and summer reading, and will not spend all day in this room. Goodnight,” He snaps, turning and exiting the room. 

Jill sobs, trying to catch her breath, falling onto the bed again and pulling her bear close to her chest. Mary watches her daughter for a moment, torn. Reaching out, she places a hand gently on Jill’s shoulder, opens her mouth to speak, but stops. She closes her mouth, at a loss. “Calm down and get some rest, Jilly,” Mary finally says softly. “I love you, sweetie.” 

She doesn’t hear the footsteps or the door shut through her tears, and doesn’t hear Jamie arguing with her father downstairs, when he tries to come up and find out what’s wrong and comfort her, and Frank forbids him. She cries, well into the night, and when she stops the house is quiet, dark, sleeping. 

She’ll pretend, she finally resolves. She won’t bring it up again. She’ll hold it all in, push it all down, and maybe they’ll forget, maybe he’ll change his mind. Maybe she won’t have to go. 

Maybe. 

**_Present Day_ **

At dinner, she’s actually able to forget about it all and enjoy being with her family. She spends the night eating way too much chips and salsa before they even order, having a margarita (or two), and laughing. There’s a brief moment while they’re waiting for dessert to arrive when she leans into Emily’s side and looks around the table, and feels a pang in her chest. This is what she should have gotten to have with her family. Shaking her head a bit, she drains the rest of her margarita and rejoins the conversation. 

The weekend ahead, stuck in the city alone is daunting, and she dreads the end of the night as they pile into the SUV to go back to their hotel. “I’m going to stay. At least for the next week.” Emily says to Jill as they enter her hotel room. “I want to be here for you, and we’ll be off of travel after such a long case anyways.”

Jill nods, grateful that Emily was insisting. She’d feel silly coming up with the idea, not wanting to appear weak and unable to stay here alone, but she grasps at the idea, nodding. She’s expecting nightmares when they settle into bed for the night, the ones that had plagued her for years after she’d left, but curled in Emily’s arms, they don’t come. Friday morning is bright and sunny, a beautiful summer day, and everyone is in high spirits as they grab breakfast and coffee at Starbucks and then head to the air strip, where the jet is waiting. They day goodbye to the team, and then Emily drives them back to the hotel Jill was being put up in by Columbia. 

She does some grading on the final papers for the first round of her guest lecture position while Emily works on the paperwork for the case. The rest of the weekend is uneventful, they spend a lot of time just being together. Jill leaves her phone off and they spend a lot of time snuggled in bed, or laying out by the pool the hotel offers. On Saturday night, Emily surprises her with tickets to Wicked and dinner, and she’s grateful for the time together and the distractions. Sunday morning they sleep in and then have lazy morning sex, and then spend an hour in the tub before finally leaving the hotel to go get brunch. Knowing her secret’s now out, Jill wants to go to Central Park, and they walk through it leisurely, stop by the zoo, and even ride the carousel. She cries after it ends, and Emily isn’t surprised, in fact, she’s surprised it’s held off this long. She ushers her to a nearby bench, away from prying eyes, and Jill shakes her head. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just...I haven’t been back here in so long. It brings back so many memories,” she murmurs wistfully, remembering her father letting her ride that thing again and again one day when she was six. 

“Don’t apologize,” Emily shakes her head, and pauses. She’d held off on asking this question all weekend, but felt that it had to be said. “Do you think you’ll speak to them?” She asks softly, and Jill frowns, jaw tightening. 

The silence says a lot, Emily can feel her distress. Finally, Jill murmurs, “I don’t know. I keep thinking about that...they’ll come back. Danny, Jamie. My father. I’m sure Erin will show up at some point. They won’t give up, I know that much. I just...I don’t know if there’s a point.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“He’s the police commissioner, Emily.” Jill shifts, looks up from her knees to shrug as she looks in her eyes. “He could have found me if he really wanted to. Which means nothing’s changed. I don’t know where my sister and brothers will stand on me being married to a woman, but I know that they’re angry at me regardless. I know that Danny’s got a temper and Erin can hold a grudge, and that I broke Jamie’s heart when I left. And I know that I am probably not strong enough to deal with it all,” Jill shrugs. 

“Hey,” Emily says sternly, reaching to tilt Jill’s gaze to her. “None of that. You are the strongest person I know, Jill. Whatever comes, whatever you want, we will figure it out and get through it together. I promise.”

Jill wipes her face, smiling, leaning in to kiss her. “I know,” She murmurs, wrapping her arms around her wife. She didn’t know what would happen with her family, if she wanted anything to happen at all, but if the last fifteen years had taught her anything it was that she and Emily could survive everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think! I'd love to see some more comments. Anything you guys would like to see? Next chapter will include some Jill/Emily centric flashbacks so you can see more of their story! :)


	4. Chapter 4

**_Nine Years Before....  
_ ** **_2010_ **

“Venti iced caramel mocha half caf extra extra for Lena!” Jill calls out in one breath, putting the cup down on the pick up counter and spinning quickly back to the register. “Good morning, what can I get for you?” She questions the next customer in line, grabbing her sharpie and looking up. 

She pauses at the sight of the woman in front of her, absently reaching up to tuck hair that had come loose from her ponytail behind her ear. She’s beautiful, with dark hair and dark eyes, and she smiles at her, but Jill can tell it’s a forced one. Something’s troubling her, she can tell, and has an overwhelming urge to make it better, for this woman she doesn’t even know. 

She’s staring at her, and Jill jumps, realizing she must have said something. “I’m sorry,” She smiles, shaking her head. “I was distracted, zoned out...what can I get for you?” She says. The other woman smiles again, and this time it’s more genuine. 

“No worries, it happens. Can I get a venti caramel latte, please?” 

“Of course, and your name for the order?” Jill smiles. 

“Emily,” The woman smiles. 

Jill smiles back, writing the name on the cup. She processes her payment and then heads to make the coffee. While the milk steams, she glances over at Emily, she’s on her phone, and looks distressed. Picking up the sharpie again, Jill quickly adds a note on it before she loses her nerve. The drink done, she puts a cover on it and walks to the counter, calling out “Venti caramel latte for Emily!” 

She’s quick, their hands brush as Jill lets go of the cup and Emily picks it up. “Thank you,” Emily says, and Jill nods with a smile, turning to help the next customer. She glances towards the door as Emily heads for the door, pauses as she lifts the cup to drink and notices the note. 

_Emily,_

_I hope your day gets better. You have a beautiful smile :)_

Jill glances over as Emily looks back. She smiles at her, and Jill winks, smiling back and nodding. 

**xXxXx**

She’d be lying if she said that she wasn’t hoping for Emily to come back again the next day. She wears her cleanest apron, curls her hair before putting it into a ponytail, and puts on a bit more makeup than normal. It doesn’t happen right away, and Jill is losing hope that she’ll show, but then she turns to help the next customer and it’s her. “Emily,” She says before she could stop herself, smiling at the raven haired woman. “Good morning.” 

“Good morning,” Emily says back, smiling back at her, and it makes Jill’s heart skip a beat, tilting her head in a flirty manner. 

“Venti caramel latte?” Jill asks, reaching for the cup. 

“Good memory,” Emily smiles, nodding. “And a trenta coffee, black, please.”

“You got it,” Jill nods, hoping that the other coffee is for later, or for a coworker...just not a significant other. And she’s also hoping that this gaydar thing is real, and she hopes that it’s working, because she’s definitely flirting back, right? 

She processes the payment and then goes to make the drinks, and Emily’s waiting at the pick up area when she’s done. “Caramel latte and trenta black coffee,” She says, raising them up before putting them on the counter. 

“Thanks. Have a great day...and you have a beautiful smile, too,” Emily says with a wink, walking backwards to the door, turning around and heading out, Jill watching as she goes. 

**xXxXx**

It continues, every day for the rest of the week. Her morning is made better upon the arrival of Emily, and they flirt back and forth for the brief time that Emily’s there. Then, Emily leaves and her day continues as normal: work until the afternoon, attend class, both her own and the ones she taught, and then go home and do work. Then, go to sleep, wake up, and do it all again. It was how she was going to complete her Ph.D in less than half the time: triple up on classes by taking extra online, do extra research, work in the early morning to make the most in tips and still have time for class. 

It was the same every day, Monday through Thursday. Fridays she had no classes so she worked a double, and like clockwork Emily arrived in the morning. Jill watched her go, disappointed that Emily hadn’t asked her out. Maybe she had misread...and why should she be disappointed, she barely had time to date, anyways. 

The busy Friday morning turned into afternoon, and finally the end of her shift. She slips into the back, looking forward to a Friday evening spent on the sofa with pizza, popcorn, and Netflix. She removes her apron, tossing into her bag and then slinging it over her shoulder and then Jill heads out through the front of the store. “See you guys, have a good day,” She calls out. 

She hears a mixed response from her coworkers, and she’s about to head out the door when she sees her, sitting at a table near the exit. Emily, back for the second time in a day 

“It’s not as good as when you make it,” Emily remarks, smiling at her, putting her coffee down and nodding at it. 

Jill pauses by the table, smiling. “Well you know, putting that Bachelor’s degree to good use. It qualifies me to make a _mean_ caramel latte,” She says. Jill debates for a moment, and then, uninvited, sits at the empty spot across from Emily. 

“Do you usually come twice in one day?” Jill asks, leaning back in her chair. 

“Just yesterday and today...I didn’t want to ask you out in the morning and have to rush away, so I figured I’d try coming back after work. You weren’t here yesterday afternoon, but now...”

“Here I am,” She nods. “This would be kind of rom com, you know, if you did ask me out. Minus the same sex part and all. Meeting in a Starbucks of all places, the barista and the...?” She trails off, asking Emily to fill in the blank. 

“FBI Agent,” Emily supplies, and Jill’s eyes widen. 

“For real? I see a lot of dudes trying to pick up girls in here, saying they work for the FBI. It’s like some kind of pick up line around here,” Jill laughs. 

“For real,” Emily confirms with a laugh, reaching into her blazer pocket. She holds out her credentials, and it is a real FBI badge. 

“Well shit,” Jill mutters, glancing back up at her. “That’s hot,” She remarks, then pauses, reddening. “ _But_ all the more rom com...you know, two worlds collide and all that nonsense.” 

Emily smiles, obviously amused. “You have something against rom coms?” She laughs, sipping her coffee. 

“Nah,” Jill shrugs. “Just think it’s funny is all. What kind of agent are you?” 

“I work for the Behavioral Analysis Unit,” Emily supplies. 

“No way! I’m a Ph.D Candidate at Georgetown, studying psychology. I have a double concentration in criminal psychology and the psychology of human sexuality,” Jill tells her. 

“Any interest in law enforcement?” Emily questions, interested. 

“No,” Jill says with a smile, unable to stop the absent thought that her brother would never shut up about her dating a fed. “I mean, yes, but not the active role. I want to do research, and teach, and apply my knowledge maybe behind the scenes.”

“That’s equally important,” Emily nods, and Jill smiles at her. 

“So,” She says, looking up at Emily. “What was that about asking me out?” 

Emily smiles back at her, leaning in closer, and Jill does the same without thinking. 

“Would you let me take you out on a date...maybe tomorrow night, unless that’s too soon?” Emily questions. 

Warmth spreads inside of her at Emily’s words, and she blinks, nodding slowly. “I’d love that. Tomorrow’s perfect, just tell me where to meet you.”

“Great!” Emily grins. “I know a great place, I can text you the address?” She asks, pulling a card out of her pocket, and pushing it across the table. “Just send me a text so I can get your number?"

“Perfect,” Jill nods, taking the card. “I will see you tomorrow then, Emily.” 

“Tomorrow. Although...you should probably tell me your name,” Emily remarks. Flushing, Jill grins. 

“Probably, that might help. It’s Jillian. Jill.” 

“Well, it’s lovely officially meeting you, Jillian...and I’m looking forward to seeing you tomorrow night,” Emily smiles. Jill reciprocates, bidding her goodbye, and then heads outside. Once she’s out of view of the store, she does a little dance, grinning at the card in her hand. She had a date! 

She pauses suddenly. Holy shit. 

She had a date. 

**_Present Day_ **

“Are you _sure_ you want to come watch me teach for three hours?” Jill laughs as they exit Starbucks and head in the direction of the Columbia building on the corner that houses the arts and sciences department. 

“Yes, of course! I’ve only ever seen you on days when we come to talk to your classes, so we do most of the talking. I can’t wait to see you in your element,” Emily says, actually seeming genuinely excited. 

“It’s not as hot as hand to hand combat. But also not as nerve wracking as seeing you in hand to hand combat with a killer, so there’s that...” 

“Ha ha,” Emily says dryly. “You’re pretty much always hot, so not really following.”

“Whatever you say, Babe,” Jill laughs, shaking her head, sipping her coffee as they reach the entrance. Emily opens the door for her, and she leads the way to the elevator, and leans against the wall as they head up to the third floor. 

“We can go to lunch after class is over,” Emily says, leaning in to kiss her. 

“Mmmm, sounds good. You can distract me with food as long as you want to,” Jill says, raising an eyebrow at her wife. 

Caught, Emily holds her hands up. “Ok, you caught me,” She says, stepping off the elevator once it opens. “I am trying to keep you occupied so you don’t spiral. Sue me.”

“Honey, we have joint bank accounts, that’d be a little pointless,” Jill says with the raise of an eyebrow. 

Emily scoffs, shaking her head and chuckling. “Ok Mrs. Literal.” 

“Uh uh, that’s Dr. Literal to you, Agent Prentiss,” Jill teases, pointing to the doors they’re approaching. “This is me.” 

Pulling the door open, Emily lets Jill go into the lecture hall first. There’s already a few students there, and Jill smiles in greeting. “I’ll be up here,” Emily says, pausing at the back row. 

“Alright, love you.” Jill murmurs, leaning in for a chaste kiss and slipping her bag from Emily’s shoulder and onto her own. She proceeds down the stairs to the front of the hall, putting her bag and coffee down on the table next to the podium, and pulling out her MacBook and the stack of syllabi. 

The room begins to fill as the minutes go by, and by 9:15, the class’ start time, there’s about thirty students. “Alright,” Jill says, “Welcome, everyone to Psychology of Criminals, or what I like to call, criminal minds. I’m Dr. Jillian Hart-Prentiss. Please feel free to call me Jillian, Jill, Dr. Hart, Dr. Prentiss, Professor, whatever tickles your fancy,” Jill lists off. “Just _not_ Dr. J, and _definitely_ not ma’am,” She adds, eliciting a laugh from the room. 

“Over the next few weeks we’re going to be spending a lot of time together, as this is a three week intensive summer course, we will be meeting every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 9:15 till 12:30. There is a lot of information to cover, you’re expected to be here each day class is held,” she states. “Now, I’ll tell you a little bit about myself. I got my Bachelors in psychology from Florida State, and then my masters and PhD from Georgetown. My PhD is in psychology with concentrations in criminal psychology, and the psychology of human sexuality. I’ve done a lot of research on serial killers, and have held face to face interviews with several,” Jill says, circling to the front of the table, and leaning back against it as she speaks to them. 

“This is a summer gig for me, the Dean asked me to come teach for the summer guest series and I was eager to take her up on it. My home is in our nation's capital, DC—I live there with my wife, and our cat Sergio. My wife keeps saying she’ll get me a dog, but it hasn’t happened yet and I continue to hold it against her,” she jokes, again warning laughs. From her spot, Emily holds back a laugh, smiling and shaking her head. “And my full time gig is at Georgetown, I’m an associate professor there. Now,” she says, grabbing her laptop, and sitting on the table, crossing her ankles and setting the computer on her lap. “I’m making an educated guess that the majority of you are either majoring in criminal justice and it’s many concentrations, or psychology, so when I call your name let me know what your major is, what year you are, and what you plan to do after you graduate at this point in time.” Jill says, pulling up the online class roster. 

“Alright...Sydney Asher?”

She goes down the list, enjoying getting to know the students even just a little bit and putting names to faces. Going down the list, it’s 

“Thank you, Ryan Rand,” She murmurs, marking him as present, and then going onto the next name, reading without thinking. “Nicole Rea-Reagan-Boyle,” She says, voice catching over the name, and locating her before she can raise her hand. She’s shocked that she didn’t realize it before, but she was sitting quietly in the front corner. Her niece is easy to recognize compared to the eight year old she had known. She’s aware of Emily’s eyes on her, but she zones in to Nicky, who has raised her hand. 

“That’s me, I uh, go by Nicky,” she says, and Jill knows that she knows who she is. “I actually graduated in May with a Bachelor’s in criminal justice, I’m taking this as a post-grad while I wait to start the police academy in the fall.” 

Going into the family business, then. Jill can’t help but wonder how Erin feels about that. She nods, and then realizes she’s not saying anything, and smiles. “Great, thank you Nicky.” She moves onto the next student, and finishes the roll call. 

Not wanting her students to think she’s a nutcase, Jill forces herself to go on like normal. Passing out the syllabus, going over it, and then doing the first lecture, the introduction summarizing the assignments and what the class would cover. 

“Many people will argue that people commit crimes for the hell of it, and some do. But not all,” Jill says, clicking the remote so the slide switches. “If killers killed just to kill, then George Foyett, known widely as the Boston Reaper, would not have been able to stay dormant for ten years after making a deal with a member of the Boston PD,” Jill says, gesturing to the slide that showed a picture of Foyett and a photograph of the note. “Why was he able to stay dormant. Anyone?”

Nicky raises her hand, and Jill smiles, nods. “Nicky?” 

“It gave him control over the officer.” She says, and Jill nods.

“Precisely. Foyett was not getting the satisfaction he wanted from his kills, and at the time he made this deal he’d murdered over twenty times. He thrived on the power. The power he could exert over his victims, the power that he could milk. So he decided to mess with the cop, and offer a deal. Stop hunting me, I’ll stop hunting them.”

“But what kind of cop takes that deal?” A student calls out. 

“Fair question, and we can pick up there on Wednesday,” Jill says with a nod toward him. “Make sure to do your readings for next class, and have a great afternoon.”

There’s a flash of movement as they all begin packing up, and Jill smiles, saying goodbye as they pass her to head up the stairs and the room begins to empty. Emily comes down to meet her, and Jill smiles, shaking her head slightly, not wanting to have anyone around to overhear, and begins packing up her stuff.

The room empties, and suddenly it’s only them and Nicky, who has hung back, waiting for this opportunity apparently. “I remember you.” Jill looks up, watching her approach slowly now that everyone’s gone. Jill slowly puts her computer down, walks back around the table to stand in front of her, not saying anything.

“You were my best friend,” Nicky says, shrugging a little. “You let me braid your hair, even though I made it into a giant knot, and we painted each other’s nails, even though I got nail polish all over your hands. I remember thinking that I wanted to be just like you, because you were so grown up and cool.”

Jill smiles sadly, nodding slowly. “I was so excited when you were born because I wouldn’t be the baby of the family anymore. And you were like my real life baby doll,” She laughs. “I’d spend hours at your parent’s place with you, and brag to all of my friends that I was an aunt. When you said my name for the first time...I can still remember that,” Jill tells her. 

“I asked mom and my dad, grandpa and grandma, and Uncle Joe, Uncle Danny, Aunt Linda, and Uncle Jamie where you had gone. Every day for weeks and weeks, I hated it when they brushed me off. Finally, mom sat down with me before bed one night and said you weren’t coming back,” Nicky says softly. “It wasn’t until I was about sixteen that she told me about how you left a note and ran away, and that they expected you to be dead. And I just couldn’t rationalize that in my head, that you hadn’t made it, because to me you were a hero. You were my hero, and statistics and all didn’t matter because you had always seemed invincible, so I think I always had hope. And then when I signed up for this class, I saw the name...Dr. Jillian Hart. Hart, it was grandma’s maiden name, and I thought, what if? So I googled, and there you were...and I knew as soon as I saw a photo that it was you.”

Jill has tears in her eyes, and she tilts her head, looking at Nicky. “But you didn’t tell anyone?” She asks, and Nicky shakes her head. 

“I guess I just figured you had to have a good reason for staying away for so long...and if I told them, and they reached out, you might not come, and I wouldn’t get the chance to see you.” Nicky shrugs. 

Jill’s holding back tears, looking at her. She’d thought she’d never see her again, and there she was, all grown up, and perhaps more understanding than anyone. “Can I hug you?” She manages to get out, voice cracking. Nicky nods, moving forward, and Jill wraps her arms around her tightly, allowing herself to cry. 

Nicky doesn’t move away, apparently knowing just how much Jill needs this. She’s grateful to her niece, for her understanding, and for letting her hold on as long as she needs to. Finally letting her go, Jill really looks at her. “Sorry,” She says, realizing she’s staring. “I know it sounds so stupid, it’s just, you’re so big, you’re all grown up, and it’s not like I expected you to be the eight year old I last saw, but still,” Jill says, wiping at her eyes. 

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Jill sees Nicky glance over to Emily, and she starts, reaching a hand out. 

“Em, this is Nicky, my niece,” She says, holding tight to Emily’s hand as she comes closer. “Nicky, this is Emily Prentiss...my wife.” 

Nicky doesn’t bat an eye. She smiles, holding her hand out. “It’s nice to meet you, Emily,” She says, and Emily smiles back at her, shaking her hand. 

“It’s nice to meet you, too, Nicky.” 

“Come to lunch with us,” Jill blurts out, the thought occuring and then coming out all at once.

Nicky frowns, “I would love to, but I’m actually supposed to meet my mom.” She says a bit awkwardly. “Another time? Or dinner?” She offers, and Jill smiles, nods. 

“Definitely. Here,” She says, reaching into her bag, and pulling out one of her business cards and a pen. She scribbles her cell phone number on the back, and hands it over to Nicky. “That’s my number. Text or call me?” 

“I will,” Nicky smiles, nodding. Her niece pauses, and then hugs her again, and Jill hugs her back tight. “See you soon,” Nicky says as she pulls away, and then Jill watches her head upstairs, out the door. 

Jill turns to Emily, letting out a breath. “How’s that feel?” Her wife asks, reaching up to help wipe the residue of tears from her face. 

“Really, really, really, great.” Jill whispers, leaning into Emily, wrapping her arms around her waist. 

“Good,” Emily murmurs, pressing her lips to Jill’s head. “I’m glad.” Jill stands there for a moment, trying not to fall into a hole. Nicky responding well didn’t mean everyone would come around. It didn’t mean that this would turn out well. Nicky was twenty-two, young and had no idea what had happened. She was raised in a different world than her siblings, was from a different generation. And did she really want her father to come around? Did she ever want to see him again? She knew the answer to that, deep down, and it almost disgusted her. How could she want to see him after all that he’d done, all he’d forced her to do?

“Let’s go,” Jill finally says, pulling away and moving to the table, gathering the rest of her stuff. She slings the bag over her shoulder and smiles up at Emily, who stops her on the way to the door. 

“Baby, talk to me,” Emily pleads, resting a hand against her cheek, gently tilting her head to look at her. 

Jill shakes her head, shutting her eyes. “I can’t.” She mutters. “I don’t know what I’m thinking, Em. I just...I don’t know. It all feels so screwed up, and I just...Let’s go, please?” She repeats, pleading back. Frowning, Emily nods, slipping the bag off of Jill’s shoulder and putting it on her own. She takes her hand, bringing it to her lips and pressing a kiss there.

“Ok. Later, then,” Emily says, leaning in to kiss her gently. “Do you want to get food or go order something to the room?”

“Can we order to the room?” Jill asks, grateful for the out. “I just want you to hold me.” 

“I can do that. We can figure it all out together, Jilly, you’re not alone.” 

Jill nods, not meeting her eyes, grateful when they join hands and head out. She wasn’t sure she could ever unpack all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all your comments! They really keep me going! Sorry for the delay in getting this chapter up, work is kicking my butt! Let me know what you think :)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait, guys! This one is a full chapter of flashback showing how our Jill and Emily started out :) Please let me know what you think...even a quick comment means so much!!!

**_Nine Years Before....  
_ ** **_2010_ **

Armed with the address of the restaurant Emily had texted her, Jill sets to work that night doing her research. It appears to be a nice place, relatively fancy but not too high class, and so bringing her pizza with her, she goes into the bedroom of her small apartment and starts digging through her closet. She looks over the whole thing twice and finds nothing, groaning, and goes back to the living room. Plopping down onto her couch, she grabs her phone, dialing her best friend. 

“‘Sup, Hart,” Rachel greets. “Did you change your mind, wanna go out?” Her friend asks, apparently hopeful. 

“No, but I have pizza and wine, and I need your help. I’ve...got a date.” Jill says slowly, and has to pull the phone away from her ear because of Rachel’s squeal. 

“Holy crap, what?! I am on my way, don’t move, save me some pizza!” 

“Wait!” Jill calls before she can hang up. “Bring some clothes.”

“You got it, don’t move!” Rachel orders, and Jill laughs, hanging up. Her red-headed friend knocks on her door twenty minutes later, ginning. “Here!” She says, holding out a bag, coming in and kicking her shoes off, running to the couch. She grabs pizza and grins, patting the seat beside her. 

“Come, come, tell me everything!” 

Laughing, shutting the door behind her, Jill heads over and sits back down on the couch. “I mean, there’s not too much to tell...we met at my work. She came in Monday morning, and she looked like something was wrong, but she smiled at me when I took her order, and...she was just so beautiful,” Jill sighs, laying her head on the back of the couch. “So I wrote a note on her cup, saying that I hope she has a better day and that her smile was beautiful...”

“Holy shit you did not!” Rachel gasps, swallowing the bite of pizza she’d taken. “What?!” She shrieks when Jill nods again. “What the hell, this, this is unfounded in the chronicles of Jill! You don’t make moves, you cower in fear, my scared little gay!” Rachel yelps. “What happened?!” 

“Well she came back on Tuesday, and told me I also had a beautiful smile. Then she came back every morning, and we flirted, and then today she came back again in the afternoon. I saw her as I was leaving and sat down and...she asked me out,” Jill shrugs, unable to stop smiling. 

Rachel squeals again, clapping. “This is amazing, Jill, you look so happy! What’s her name, what does she do?!” 

“Emily...and she’s in the FBI, actually. For real, she showed me her badge and all,” Jill says. “So not even a pick up line...which is pretty hot,” Jill admits. “But she asked me out and now...”

“Now you’re freaking out?” Rachel asks. 

Jill nods, glancing down. “I haven’t been on a date since undergrad when I went on dates every other night with different women and jumped into bed with most of them.” 

“Hey, Jill, you don’t have to be ashamed of that. It’s normal...you were free and able to feel like yourself for the first time, and you were safe,” Rachel stresses. “You know how to date. You just go, and be yourself, and if things are right, they’ll be right. Anyone would be lucky to have you, Jill, and you’ll be fine. I’ll come over and help you with your makeup and hair, and I brought some clothes, I’ll make sure you feel as hot as you are, and it’ll be fine. I promise.” Rachel says. 

The redhead girl across from her had approached her the first day of orientation at Georgetown. They’d been best friends ever since. Rachel also didn’t speak to her family, they’d disowned her for being gay. Jill had never told her the truth, she didn’t tell anyone the truth, she said her family was gone...it was easier than seeing the pity in people’s eyes. She smiles at her, leaning forward to hug her, letting out a sigh. 

“I hope so...” Jill murmurs, leaning into Rachel. “‘Cause...I have a good feeling about this one.” 

**xXxXx**

She’s running late. She hates being late, but the traffic the cab ran into was making her late, and so she was anxious when she arrived at the restaurant, throwing the money towards the driver and getting out. Jill takes deep breaths as she approaches the building, straightening the dress she’d borrowed from Rachel and brushing her fingers carefully through her curled hair. 

“Hi,” She says breathlessly to the hostess. “I’m meeting someone, um, Emily?” 

“Ah yes,” The woman smiles. “Agent Prentiss. She’s seated already, right this way miss,” She says. Jill follows her towards the back of the building, and Emily’s waiting at a table. Jill thanks the hostess and smiles at the dark haired woman. 

“Sorry I’m late...traffic,” She says, sitting down across from Emily. 

“Don’t worry about it. You look beautiful,” Emily says, and the way she says it, it doesn’t sound like it’s just flattery, but like she means it. Jill smiles, feeling herself flushing a little, she glances down, and then back up. 

“Thank you. So do you.” And she’s not just using flattery either. They make small talk until the waiter comes, taking their order for drinks, and Emily gets a bottle of wine. Once the waiter returns, pouring it and then taking their order, and then leaves again, they start really talking. 

“So, Georgetown, a doctorate?” Emily asks. “That’s impressive, I hear their programs are hard to get into. And you seem so young to be a Ph.D. Candidate,” she says. “How far in are you?” 

Jill laughs, taking a sip of her wine. “To be fair, I did undergrad in two and a half years. I’m almost two years in, but I’m on an accelerated track. I’m uh...twenty-two, as of last week,” she says, realizing that Emily might have a problem with that. “Is uh...that a problem?” She asks, setting herself up for disappointment. To be in such a prestigious department of the FBI, she had to be at least in her thirties.

“No,” Emily says, shaking her head. “Not unless me being thirty is a problem for you.” 

“No,” Jill says, shaking her head with a smile, “Not at all. Where’d you go to school?” Jill asks, taking a sip of her wine. 

“Chesapeake Bay University and Yale,” Emily says. 

“So did you grow up around here?” Jill questions, wondering how she wound up in the FBI. 

“I kind of grew up everywhere,” Emily says, sipping her own wine. “My mother’s a US ambassador so I was everywhere as a child.”

“Wow, that must have been hard, but also amazing,” Jill comments. 

“Yea, it was...both things,” Emily says, not used to people acknowledging the difficulty. “I’m grateful for the chance I had to see so many different cultures, learn so many different languages. But I never really felt settled as a child, and...my parents weren’t around much, didn’t have much time for me. What about you? Where’d you grow up?” 

Of course that would come up, Jill forgot about that. “New York City,” She says. “I moved to Florida when I was fifteen after I lost my parents, worked and finished school and went to Florida State, and then moved up here when I got into Georgetown. I’ve been here for about two years now,” she says. Maybe it’s Emily’s profession, or the way she says it and moves on, but the other woman doesn’t push, doesn’t ask about her parents. 

They talk about so much, jumping from subject to subject, and it dawns on Jill how easy it is to talk to Emily, how much she wants to tell her and how much she wants to know. It doesn’t feel awkward, it doesn’t feel forced...it feels right, easy to get to know her, simple. 

When they’ve finished dinner, they remain at their table talking, until they notice that not many people are left. “We should probably get out of their hair,” Emily laughs, reaching behind her into her purse, pulling out a card. 

“Here,” Jill hurries to say, reaching for her own bag, but is stopped by a warm hand on hers. 

“No, Jill, it’s ok,” Emily says, shaking her head. “I’ve got it.” 

“Oh...thank you,” Jill says, frowning, but already able to tell arguing would do no good. She doesn’t pull her hand away, and Emily doesn’t move, and slowly she smiles at her. After the payment is done, they head out to the parking lot together, walking close side by side. 

“Where’s your car?” Emily asks, pausing in choosing a direction to head in. 

“Oh...I uh, took a cab. I don’t have a car...I actually don’t even have a license,” she admits, flushing a little. “I’ll just call and get one now, you don’t have to wait with me, don’t worry,” she says, reaching to grab her phone from her purse.

“I can give you a ride home,” Emily offers, again putting her hand over Jill’s, causing her to stop and look at her. 

“I don’t want you to go out of your way, Emily, really,” Jill shakes her head. 

“Don’t worry about that...I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t want to do it,” Emily points out. “Let me drive you home. Please? I’ll worry less about you.” 

Again realizing the dark haired woman wouldn’t take no for an answer, Jill relents. “Ok...thank you so much.”

Emily smiles widely, and keeps hold of her hand, leading the way to her car. She opens the door for her, helps her in, and Jill smiles as she watches her walk around the vehicle and get in. They fall into easy conversation again as Emily drives, Jill pausing only to give her instructions to her campus owned apartment. When she parks outside of the building, Jill turns to her. “Did you want to come up for a bit?” The words slip out without much thought, all she knows is that she doesn’t want Emily to leave yet, she’s not ready for this night to end.

“Sure,” Emily says quickly, and Jill smiles, leading the way into the building and up to the second floor.

“It’s not much, it’s campus owned, but it’s home,” She says a bit lamely, opening the door and leading the way inside. 

“It’s cute,” Emily smiles as she follows Jill inside, watching as she shuts the door. 

“Thanks,” Jill murmurs, leaning against the door, watching Emily. Neither of them will ever know who really kissed who first, it’s like a magnet pulls them together at the same time, but Emily pushes her back gently against the door as they kiss. It takes her breath away in the best way, and Jill knows that she wants to keep kissing this woman, needs to keep kissing her, because this electricity between them, this connection, she's never felt before in her life. It’s Jill that pushes Emily backwards, towards the living room and the sofa, but Emily shifts as they get there, pushing Jill down and straddling her. Jill moans against her lips, arms locked around Emily’s waist and pulling her closer, wanting more. 

Jill’s slips her hand under Emily’s shirt, the warm skin feeling soft against her fingers. She wants to take it off, see more, feel their skin against each others...but, Jill realizes, she also doesn’t want this to be like before. She pulls away, catching her breath, staring up at Emily. “I’m sorry,” Jill sighs, “I want to...I really, _really_ , want to. I just...I want to do this right. And for me to do this right, we can’t do this right now, even though I really want to,” she murmurs, sighing, leaning in to kiss Emily again. 

Emily kisses her back, but is the one to end it this time, leaning back and looking down at her, smiling. “I get it,” Emily says. “I think you’re right...and I want to do this right, too,” She adds. “So I’m going to get going...but I will call you tomorrow.” Emily states, moving to sit beside her. 

“Ok,” Jill says, smiling, tilting her head and looking at Emily. “I had a really great time tonight, Emily. Thank you.” 

“Anytime. I did, too,” Emily says. They both stand at the same time, and Jill walks her to the door, pulls it open. Emily steps over the threshold and then turns to face her, leans in, and gives her a chaste kiss. “Goodnight, Jill.” 

“Goodnight, Emily,” Jill says, smiling. She watches her walk down the hallway before shutting the door, leaning against it and letting a huge smile take over her face. 

**xXxXx**

Emily doesn’t call on Sunday, or for several days after that, either. Jill hesitates, thinking maybe she should call her, or send a text, but the agent had told her she’d call. She doesn’t want to be pushy, but suddenly feels like an idiot for getting her hopes up. She’d gotten too serious too quickly, hadn’t put out...she was too young, what would an FBI agent ten years her senior want with her? She doesn’t even show up at the coffee shop, and every day that passes without a word makes her feel even more stupid. 

Nine days passed. She’d given up hope that Emily would ever call, had sworn to Rachel that she was done, it was useless, she’d be alone forever. It was a rainy Monday, and class had gotten out early, so she was heading home, prepared to get into her pajamas and settle in on the couch to work on her thesis. Armed with a bag of groceries that the stops for on her way home, she reaches her apartment building, and sees a familiar face waiting at the doors. 

“Jill,” Emily says, stepping forward as soon as she sees her, bouquet of flowers in her hand. She must have read the hurt and anger on her face, because she holds her free hand up, the universal plea. “Jill, I am so, so sorry, I’m so sorry,” She says, stepping forward.

“Save it,” Jill shakes her head. “I don’t have time for this, Emily. You could have just told me you weren’t interested anymore, it would have been a lot better than waiting around for days because you said you’d call.

“I wanted to, Jill, I did! I am interested, so interested! We got called on a case early Sunday morning, and there was a shootout. My phone was in my blazer pocket and I got shot at--I had kevlar on, so I was fine, but my phone wasn’t. I got a new one, but all of my contacts were gone, and then we got pulled on another case right away. I didn’t have your number, and I didn’t want to ask our technical analyst because then she’d know about you and I thought it was a bit early to set Penelope on you, I thought she’d scare you away, I am so sorry, Jill, I should have tried harder. I didn’t want you to think that at all, I wanted to call you so bad.” 

Jill pauses, listening. She looks at the other woman, and considers her words. They sound sincere, she looks sincere, and Jill isn’t sure if that’s because she wants them to be or what. But she’s a pretty decent judge of character when she wants to be, and if she wasn’t interested, why would she be out here groveling? 

“Do you like alfredo?” Jill finally says, and Emily looks taken aback by the question. 

“Yes...?”

“Good. I’ll make us dinner,” she states, nodding towards the door to the building. “Let’s go.” 

Emily grins, taking Jill by surprise when she leaned in and kisses her. “Thank you,” Emily breathes, adding once again, “I’m sorry.” 

Jill can’t help but smile as they head inside, noticing the flowers that Emily had brought her were daisies. Her favorite, which she had mentioned off handedly the night of their date, when they’d talked about so many other things. 

For some reason it’s not until later that night, when Emily has gone home (now with Jill’s number in her contacts and written on the back of a card in Emily’s wallet) that it sinks in, really, what she’d said. She’d been _shot_ at. She’d said it so nonchalantly, like it was a regular occurrence. She remembers the look on her mother’s face, Linda’s face every time her father or Danny went off to work. Could she live with that? 

She settles into bed, pulling her phone off of the end table and glancing at it, seeing a text from Emily. 

_Goodnight, Jill. Sorry again, and thank you for understanding and dinner, it was great and I loved seeing you again...my turn to cook for you tomorrow? (as long as we don’t get a case.)_

She smiles, the feeling in her chest providing some answers. That her mom and Linda must have felt like this, and it was exactly why they could live with that. She types out a reply, thanking her for the flowers and confirming the offer of plans, and hits send, before putting her phone back down and pulling the covers up around her. Maybe she wouldn’t be alone forever after all. 


	6. Chapter 6

**_Nine Years Before...  
_ ** **_2010_ **

“Venti iced skinny hazelnut macchiato, sugar-free syrup, extra shot, light ice, no whip for Deborah,” Jill calls out, nearly out of breath and already annoyed after this woman ordered several of the most complicated orders. But, it was a Friday and only five minutes from the end of her shift, and to top it all off, Emily was back again. 

It had been two months since their first date, and one month since Jill had awkwardly babbled out the ‘ _ so, what are we _ ’ question and Emily had declared they were, “ _ girlfriends, of course. _ ” while laughing sweetly at Jill’s blushing, and kissing her. 

She’d been away for five days this time, and was going to pick her up after she got out of work so Jill could spend the night at her place. For the first time.  _ Ever _ . To say she was freaking would be an understatement. 

“Yo Hart, caffeinate me,  _ please _ ,” a voice she recognizes says, and Jill turns to the door to see a familiar blur of red hair. Rachel stops suddenly at the counter, holding out her credit card, and Jill laughs, shaking her head as she takes it and begins ringing in Rachel’s usual. “I am about to be up all night working on this stupid dissertation. Remind me again why I thought a Ph.D was a good idea? I could have just settled for a masters, that’s also a lot of work, but noooo, Rachel, go get a doctorate, it’ll be great!” She rants shaking her head. “I’m dropping out.”

“No you’re not,” Jill says, handing the card back and grabbing a cup, glad the store was now slow. “Then who would suffer with me?”

“Some friend you are,” Rachel sighed, dropping into a chair as the doorbell jingles. “You gunna come over and suffer with me tonight?”

“Nope, can’t, sorry, I’ve got plans.” 

“Oh but of course, this must mean secret agent girlfriend is back in town?” Rachel grins, batting her eyelashes as Jill begins making the coffee for her. 

“She’s an FBI agent, Rach, not a secret agent,” Jill laughs, adding the syrup to the cup. 

“Whatever, either way, when do I get to meet her, huh?!” The redhead demands, following Jill as much as she can. “It’s been like two months, it’s way past due for my best friend judgment, Jillian! Plus, maybe she’s got some hot chick FBI agent friends for me,” she grins, raising her eyebrows suggestively. 

“You’re impossible,” Jill laughs, meeting her at the pickup counter and handing her the iced coffee, catching the conversation of the customers her coworker is helping. 

“I don’t know what you’re so suspicious of, Em,” Jill hears, glancing to the counter to she was next up to see Emily, alongside a perky blonde in funky, bright colors. “You said you were getting coffee at 4:33 in the afternoon, so I thought I would join you as a pick me up to start the weekend! I have absolutely no ulterior motives here, don’t you know me by now?” The blonde is saying, clearly suspicious of something. This must be Penelope, the technical analyst that Emily had told her about. 

“Yes, I do, which is why I know you  _ absolutely _ have ulterior motives,” Emily deadpans. 

“Maybe I’m just curious as to why you started coming to this Starbucks everyday, according to your bank account,” The blonde muses, realizing too late she’d slipped up. 

“Garcia! You’re looking at my bank statements?” Emily demands. Jill stays back, but watches, a little amused. 

“Well, my Chocolate Thunder and I agreed that you seemed very happy, and he noticed you texting a lot lately, and after your phone got shot you were twitchy and weird about not having it even though you aren’t usually attached to your phone. Also, Derek said that you were acting like you finally got laid, but  _ I _ would never be so vulgar, but anyways, I did some digging, because I wanted to make sure you were indeed happy, Sugar Plum, and I noticed an affinity for this particular Starbucks location,” the blonde says. 

“I can’t believe you.” Emily says, mouth dropped in shock. 

“So...what is it about this particular Starbucks location?” Penelope asks, ignoring Emily’s annoyance. 

“Ok, you...are my hero.” Looking sideways, Jill realizes Rachel has left her side, and has approached Emily and Penelope. “That is best friend stalking to the next level, and I applaud you, I  _ bow down _ to you, I want to buy you a freaking drink!” Rachel is saying. Now off the clock, Jill moves out from behind the counter, following her friend over to Emily, shaking her head. 

“Why thank you, kind stranger,” Penelope smiles, looking to Emily with a look as though to tell her this is the reaction she should be having. 

“I’m Rachel, that’s Jillian, my best friend,” Rachel says. “She’s the reason your friend is all twitchy and weird. Hello, Emily, it is nice to finally meet you,” she grins, shaking Emily’s hand. 

“You’re freaking impossible,” Jill remarks, joining them, only for the blonde to squeal, wrapping her in a hug. 

“This is fantastic, you’re just precious, and I love your friend, oh my God, Em, I’m so happy for you!” The blonde says excitedly. Emily moves to Jill’s rescue, noting that she looks a bit overwhelmed by Penelope.

“Thank you, but let’s not suffocate her, ok?” She says, managing to pry Penelope off of Jill. 

“This is just amazing news, wait until everyone knows, oh my God! We have to celebrate, Jill needs to come to the next family night! Oh, and Rachel too,” Penelope nods, putting an arm around Rachel. “I really like Rachel, she bows down to me.”

Rachel grins, shrugging, and Jill shakes her head. After Emily and Penelope get the drinks they ordered, the four of them walk outside together. “Alright, I better go get to work while the caffeine is fresh,” Rachel sighed, raising up her iced coffee. “But I will definitely be there on this outing, so make sure she tells me!” 

“I’m going to go, too, Kevin’s waiting for me and now I know what I wanted to know so...yay!” Penelope squeals. “I will see you on Monday, and I better see you very soon. I am just so happy for you two,” she grins, walking off. Jill watches her go, amused by the blonde, and drawn to her. The excitement and joy because of the happiness of someone she loved, it was endearing. She had good energy. 

“Well, now that Garcia has probably scared you away...hi,” Emily smiles, arms resting around Jill’s shoulders. 

“I wouldn’t quite say that...she’s a lot, but she’s sweet. You can tell she’s a good person. And hi,” Jill grins, tilting her head up to meet Emily in a kiss. “I’m glad you’re home safe,” She murmurs as they pull away. 

“Come on, let’s go back to my apartment. I’m going to make us dinner and we can have a quiet night in,” Emily says, reaching to tuck some hair gently behind Jill’s ear. 

“That sounds great, because it has been a long, long week,” Jill says, adjusting her bag on her shoulder, only for Emily to take it from her. She’s learned early on not to argue with her, and she just shook her head, giving the dark haired woman a look, taking her hand as they walked to her car. 

xXxXx

Later on, after Emily had made them dinner and they’d eaten, then spent several hours on the couch, cuddling and watching movies, they decide to head to bed. She had been in Emily’s apartment before many times, but had never gone into the bedroom before. Jill follows her to the door and pauses, taking in the room before her. The walls are a neutral cream color, the furniture is natural wood with a light green patterned bedspread on the king sized bed. She hovers there, it feels like there’s a line drawn across the entrance of the room, and Jill knows once she crosses it something will change. 

It takes her girlfriend a moment to realize she hadn’t entered. Emily turns and locates her, then crosses the room back to her again. “Hey,” she says softly, reaching to rest a hand against her cheek. Jill leans into the touch, hungry for it, enjoying the closeness. “You don’t have to be scared, Jill. There’s no expectations...I just don’t want to be apart for the night,” Emily says gently, leaning in and kissing her forehead. “Come on,” she said, taking her hand. Jill allows her to bring her forward into the room, putting her bag down on a chair in the corner. 

Emily smiles, pulling her gently against her body, arms slipping around Jill’s waist. Jill smiles shyly up at her, reaching up in search of a kiss, and Emily complies, capturing her lips in a gentle kiss. She’d quickly discovered that kissing Emily was one of her favorite things. The other woman was good at it, knew when to make it soft or rougher, always left her wanting more. 

“I’m gonna change,” Jill murmurs when the kiss breaks, cheeks flushed. 

“Ok,” Emily says, voice low. “Bathrooms there,” she gestures, and Jill nods. Parting from her with another kiss, Jill grabs her bag and entered the bathroom. She pulls off the clothes she’d been wearing, folding them up to put away. Pulling out shorts and a tank top which she normally wore to bed, Jill pulls them on. She then removes her makeup, wiping it off with a remover wipe that she’d brought in her bag. After brushing her teeth, Jill pauses, staring at herself in the mirror for a moment before finally turning to the door. Grabbing her bag, she opens the door, and steps back into the bedroom.

Emily is sitting on the edge of the bed, waiting. Putting her bag back down on the chair, she turns back to her girlfriend and smiles softly. “Come on,” Emily says with a wave. 

Pulling the covers back on the side closest to her, the side of the bed she actually preferred, she sits down and pulls her feet up. Emily, who had changed into a tank top and pajama pants, does the same thing beside her. They lay down facing each other, and Jill smiles, this part feels natural, easy...like it’s what she’d been looking for. 

“You’re so beautiful,” Emily murmurs, reaching out and resting her hand against her cheek. Jill flushes, shaking her head a little bit. “You are,” Emily insists, reaching up to brush hair gently from her face.

“I’m glad I’m here. I’m glad you’re home...I missed you,” Jill says softly, reaching up to put her hand over Emily’s, wondering if this was ok, if admitting that would make her seem desperate or clingy. But it was the truth. When they were apart, she missed Emily in a desperate, empty sort of way that wasn’t remedied until they were together again. 

“I missed you, too,” Emily says back, softly, and Jill believes her, looking into her eyes. The way she feels about the other woman is scary, especially scary considering everything. The fact that they had only been together for two months, that there was almost ten years between them, that Emily’s job would take her away often and put her in danger. She was afraid about how real this felt, because she’d never let anything get to this point, in fact, she’d purposefully avoided it. Who would want her, she couldn’t help but think, when her own family couldn’t love her in spite of the bible’s teachings? She kept every woman she’d ever met at arms length, even if they had gone out more than once or twice, even if they’d slept together. 

But Emily had made it hard, since the first day she’d walked into the coffee shop. What she had done, writing a note on the cup...Rachel was right, that was unfounded for her. Out of left field. Not something she’d considered doing, ever. The older woman had just drawn her in, and now Jill was hooked. Falling...maybe she’d already fallen, but was too afraid to say it, because what that might mean was terrifying. She had never believed in things happening so fast but this was hard to deny. When it came down to it, Jill was terrified of what would happen if this did work out, just as much as if it didn’t. 

“What’s on your mind?” Emily asks, and Jill’s tongue slides across her lips, tilting her head. 

“A lot,” she murmurs finally, shrugging a little. “I wouldn’t know where to start.” It happened often, and usually it wound up irritating her anxiety. The spiraling thoughts, the scary ones, that she didn’t know how to even begin unpacking. 

“I can help you,” Emily states softly, gently stroking her hair, “We can figure it out together.” 

Jill blinks, looking at her girlfriend. She’d never really opened up to anyone in the last several years. It was self preservation, really. She’d let Rachel in, in some ways, but this was even further than that. And her mind, it scared her...trying to explain it to someone else felt like a relationship death sentence. But she doesn’t want to chicken out on this. “How I feel about you...it scares me. A lot.” She finally says softly. 

“I get that. It scares me, too,” Emily nods, beginning to gently trace shapes on Jill’s bare upper arm, bringing goosebumps to her skin. “Especially so soon. But I don’t want it to go away because I’m scared,” Emily says softly. “I want to fight through it. I want to be with you.” 

“I-I want to be with you, too. I don’t want it to go away, but I just...I was glad you weren’t telling your team yet, that I only told Rachel, because the more people that know...the more real it gets. And the more real it gets the more complicated it gets,” Jill says quietly, ashamed of how childish it made her sound. 

“It doesn’t have to get complicated, Jill. We can feel the way we feel, and be together, and still keep it uncomplicated,” Emily reasons. “Just because it’s fast doesn’t mean it has to be complicated.”

“It’s not that simple, Emily, you have to know that. Especially not when I’m out of your league. How can it possibly last?” Jill sighs.

“Woah, ok, what makes you out of my league?” Emily asks, laughing a little out of disbelief. “You’re  _ not _ out of my league, Jill.”

“Don’t laugh at me,” She frowns, embarrassed. “Our ages, where we are in life, all of that,” Jill says, shrugging. “And what if we don’t want the same things?”

“I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you...just at how ridiculous that is,” She explains. “You are  _ not _ out of my league, babe. We’re both adults, Jill, and I’m pretty sure you’re wise beyond your years. Our ages don’t matter, unless we let them,” Emily shrugs. “And what do you mean, where we are in life?”

Jill sighs at her questions, feeling as though the answer is obvious. “You live in a beautiful apartment and work for the FBI. I work at Starbucks, and live in campus housing.”

“Because you’re getting a doctorate!” Emily exclaims. “And who cares if you wanted to work at Starbucks forever? I don’t. A job is a job, Jill, as long as you strive to be the best at it.” Jill has no response, and says nothing. Emily gently combs her fingers through her hair, leans in and kisses her gently. Jill kisses her back until Emily pulls away, hand moving out of her hair to rest against her cheek again, and she asks “What do you want? In life, I mean.” 

Jill blinks, quietly looking at her. She knew that she was the one to pose the issue, but the question seems so serious, intimate. “To be happy... preferably with someone. With someone who makes everything worth it, with someone I love so much I’d do anything for them,” she murmurs, thinking of her parents, her grandparents. “I want to get married someday...have a family. Not just kids but am extended family. A support system,” Jill explains, missing the security of a family so much. “And also...babies,” Jill admits softly. “I do want to be a mom so bad. Someday,” Jill says softly. “I’ve always wanted to be pregnant... be a mother. When I came to terms with being gay, the possibility seemed so unattainable.” 

“Well I want happiness too,” Emily starts. “A happy marriage, where there’s love and support and respect, and you fight for it even when it gets hard...a happy life, where I do better than my parents did.” Emily says softly. “I’ve always wanted kids. I’ve never been sure I’d be great at it, and I don’t really want to carry, but I want to be a mom,” she says, pausing, as though debating saying what she wants to do next and then deciding to. “And I want to give you everything you want, Jill. This isn’t like me either, I normally move slow or break it off. It’s easier with the job, and just in general. But I don’t want to do that with you...with you I want to fight for it.” 

Jill looks at Emily, their eyes locked on each other's and she makes no move to look away. “I love you, Jill. And I don’t care that it might be too early, I don’t care that we might be moving fast, I don’t care about our age difference or where you work, I don’t care that this is unprecedented for me. I just know that I want to be with you for it all. And It’s ok if you don’t feel that way right now, if you can’t say it back. You don’t have to. You just need to tell me that you want all of that with me, too.” 

Overcome with emotion, she doesn’t know what to say. She’s not ready to say it back, she knows the feelings she has are big, but saying it back is scary, terrifying, and she’s not ready. But she does know that she wants that all and she wants it with Emily, in spite of everything inside of her that tells her to run, that it will end badly. And maybe, Emily was right. Maybe it would be that simple if they made it so. Not knowing what to say, she decides to go with trying to tell Emily how she feels, and she leans in, kissing her deeply.

She can’t put it into words, but she can show her how she feels, and so she puts it all in the kiss, gasping for breath when they finally break apart. She lets her head rest in the crook of Emily’s neck, pressing small pecks to her skin and inhaling the scent of her. “Thank you,” She whispers against Emily’s skin. 

“For what?” Emily asks, confused. 

“Helping me unpack my thoughts,” Jill says, leaning back to look in her eyes. “It doesn’t seem as scary now,” She whispers, shaking her head. “Not with you.” 

**_Present Day_ **

Back at the hotel that was her home for the duration of her stint at Columbia, Jill changes out of her work clothes and into pajama shorts and one of Emily’s old, worn in, FBI Academy t-shirts that she had pilfered and used for bed. Emily mimics her actions, changing into comfier clothes herself. Jill pulls back the covers on the freshly made bed, slipping in between them and pulling them up to her chin as Emily gets into bed behind her, and presses up against her back, arms slipping around her waist. Jill relaxes against her as much as she can, one hand rest on top of Emily’s, the other resting between her pillows. 

“Talk to me, baby,” Emily murmurs, pressing her lips against Jill’s bare neck due to her hair being up in a bun. “I know this must be a lot, that the past is scary, but I’m here. You’re not alone in this.”

Jill fights back tears, trying not to breakdown as she listens to her wife’s words. “I was,” She finally whispers, staring straight ahead, focusing on not shedding tears. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I  _ was _ alone. I was a kid, trying to come to terms with who I was and what it meant...I just wanted to share it with my family and have their support, I wanted to feel like I was normal, and when I tried to share it with them...my father, he told me it was wrong.” Jill whispers. “To not tell people that, they’d get the wrong idea. And then they never mentioned it again. I didn't either, I didn’t think I could, but I liked a girl, so I sent her a card on Valentine’s Day. I went to a Catholic school, it got back to my parents...he said he was disappointed it me,” She recounts. Emily doesn’t say anything yet, she’d told her this the day her secret had come out, but she doesn’t mention that, not wanting Jill to stop talking through her feelings. “He was disappointed in me for being myself...I was a  _ kid _ , he was my father, he was supposed to love me no matter what,” Jill says, voice breaking. “I was forbidden from telling my sister and brothers, and my mother followed what he said until I left. I was alone when all I wanted was my family,” She cries. 

“I know, baby,” Emily murmurs, gently helping Jill turn over, pulling her against her chest, kissing her forehead and rubbing her back. 

“And then, then he sent me to that camp,” Jill cries, “I wanted to die, Em, I didn’t want to live anymore it was so bad, it was so gross, and it hurt so much,” She sobs, and Emily holds her tighter, trying to keep her in the present, and because she doesn’t know what else she can do. The anger that fills her, being reminded of what her wife had been subjected to, it consumed her with rage. “The-the camp, my father...they said that it was against the bible to be gay, that I would go to hell, that I was some abomination, but He made me this way! They raised me in the church,” Jill shakes her head. “They raised me in the church, it was a sanctuary, it was my safe place, but then that was taken away from me, too,” She cries. “I had nothing to turn to, and I told my brother, I told Joe, and my mom overheard, and they believed me,” Jill sobs. “They believed me about the camp, and they loved me no matter what, but instead of getting my dad to realize he was wrong, they told me I should leave like I wanted to,” Jill sobs, gripping Emily’s shirt in her fist. “Why didn’t she fight for me, why did she let him send me away, why didn’t they make him see?” Jill sobs. “Instead of standing up for me, she agreed I should go away! Why couldn’t she fight for me?” 

Emily holds her, rocking back and forth gently. “I don’t know, baby, she was doing what she thought was best. That’s not a reflection on you,” she murmurs.

Jill chokes on her tears, takes a moment to cry and find her voice again. “She helped me survive, Joe helped me survive, but it was by sending me away, and I’ve spent the last fifteen years being angry at them for it, and grateful at the same time. And now they’re both dead, and I can never ask them why, I can never get answers,” she whispers. 

“But your father is.” Emily says softly, guessing Jill’s unsaid words. 

“He is. And  _ he did this _ ,” Jill moans, sniffing. “It’s all because of him...he took everything away from me, he made me go to that place where they tortured me, he’s the reason I couldn’t go to my own mother and brother’s funerals, why I didn’t get to see my niece and nephews grow up, why I had to abandon my siblings, my twin...he took away my chance to have him walk me down the aisle or have a father daughter dance, he took away my opportunity to have my biological family in my life,” Jill lists. “Everything is his fault! Everything! And I hate him,” Her voice cracks again. “But I hate myself for hating him, and then I hate myself if I don’t. I want to see him, Em, but for the love of  _ God _ I can’t figure out why, and I  _ hate _ myself for wanting to see him!” She cries, holding on tighter to Emily, burying her face against the crook of her neck. 

“Baby, it’s normal to want to see him. It doesn’t make you messed up or sick, it makes you normal...like you said, he’s your father. He’s alive,” Emily says, gently stroking her hair. “You can get answers.”

“I know the answers, though!” Jill cries. “I know he could have found me, Emily! He’s the damn police commissioner, I used my mom’s maiden name for my last name and kept my first and middle the same! It was practically begging him to find me!” 

“But he might have his reasons, Jill,” Emily suggests carefully. “For not finding you, I mean. I hate him for what he did to you, I would love to wring his neck or get a few good swings in,” She says. “Nothing can take that back or fix it. I want to protect you, I wish I could hide you away and make sure that you were never hurt again, and if I thought that it would be best, I would,” She says softly. “But if you want to try and get closure...maybe, one day, when you’re ready, it could help you to see him?” She suggests.

Jill considers her words, hot tears sliding down her cheeks. She was already so sick and tired of crying over this again, she’d sworn to herself it was in the past, but here it was. “I don’t know...” She begins, struggling how to phrase what she wants to say. “I want to see the father I knew. The man that raised me, that took me to the carousel and the park, that took me out for ice cream, that taught me how-how to ride a bike, and kissed my forehead when I fell down. I want to see the man that told me I could do anything I wanted, that he just wanted me to be happy...I want my  _ dad _ ,” Jill sniffs. “Not the man I left behind, the man that did all of this, that sent me to that camp. But they’re the same person, and I don’t know how to put that together in my head. I don’t know how to reconcile that.” 

“You might not be able to, Jilly,” Emily says gently, pushing her back so she can see her face, reaching to wipe the moisture from her cheeks. “At least, not without seeing him. It’s hard, all of this is. Maybe we won’t figure things out today, that’s ok. You don’t have to make any decisions today, either...you can take all the time you need. We can talk it through again and again...you’re not alone, Jill,” She says firmly. “I’m not going to leave you alone again.”

“I know,” Jill whispers. She’s cried out, and emotionally spent, can’t continue to try and work through how she feels. “I can’t talk about this anymore right now...I need a break,” She tells her. 

“Of course,” Emily agrees. “You need to eat something,” She declares, and Jill tightens her grip on her wife before she can try to move. 

“Bath first, then I’ll eat,” Jill barters, looking up at her. “Please?”

Emily smiles, leaning in and kissing her. “Alright. Bath first,” She agrees. “And then food.” 

Jill lets Emily get up, head into the bathroom, and she sits up herself. Her head is heavy with congestion from crying, eyes puffy, and she feels thoroughly drained, there’s nothing left in her after trying to work through her thoughts. She reaches for a tissue from the nightstand, and her phone lights up with a notification, and she sees a text message from a number not in her contacts. 

_ Hey Aunt Jill, it’s Nicky. I’m glad we got to talk, and I really do want to get dinner or something with you, and your wife too. Let me know? _

She manages a smile, putting the phone down; she’d reply to Nicky later, once her head had cleared a bit. Jill hears movement, and looks up as Emily comes back from the bathroom. Her wife holds her hands out and Jill takes them, letting Emily help pull her up to her knees on the bed. She moves on them over to the edge, once again sinking into Emily’s arms. “I love you,” Her wife tells her, and Jill can feel her lips kissing her head. 

“I love you, too,” Jill says back. As they go into the bathroom and settle into the tub, Jill forces herself to not think of anything related to what was going on. One step at a time, one process at a time. She would get through this.

She had to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! Started a new job and welcomed a new nephew! This chapter was meant to delve deeper into Jill and Emily's history, show the strength their relationship stands on. Please let me know your thoughts!


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